September 7, 2011

What I needed was a mind-guard

In every person’s life, there comes a moment of epiphany- a moment where you realize that all what you’ve believed in, had faith in- the very basis of all that is shaken to the core.

For me, that moment came on Monday night, somewhere around 10:15 PM, when I saw a jet of water from a pipe ripping apart Salman Khan’s shirt in ‘Bodyguard’.

I’m yet to recover from that fiasco, so pardon me if I trail off in between.

The first time you use a story for a movie, you USE it. The second time you use it, for a remake in Tamil, you RE-USE it. The third time, it’s outright ABUSE. How else can you justify a movie like Bodyguard?

True, it has Sallu Bhai in it, which itself should be enough to make a hit. But unfortunately, for me, it’s not. I clapped and yay-ed when he appeared on screen the first time, I clapped and yay-ed when he beat up the villains, I clapped and yay-ed whenever he cracked a joke. And then I clapped and yay-ed that FINALLY the movie was over.

Ok, let’s be fair. Let’s see both sides of the coin.

The tolerable part
Salman Khan:- He has acted well, if not outstanding. His innocent-bordering-on-dumb Lovely Singh is endearing, and he’s been portrayed as not just an action figure, but also a romantic. That works. To an extent. After a point, watching him walk as though he’s got boils under his arms is a little tiresome, but still, it’s Sallu, so a little bit of pardon and all we can give no?

He has been styled well. But he has pretty much only one expression on his face all throughout, and even when he smiles, he looks like he’s in pain. And in his introductory song, where he does that step with his biceps, it seriously looks like he’s sniffing his underarms for body odour.

Kareena Kapoor looks beautiful. I’m considering selling my laptop and buying some of those kurtas and accessories she’s worn in the movie. Her acting is ok, but her looks make up for it. And I would love to know how you can wake up in the morning with every hair still in place.

The comedy is ok. It works in the first half. The fatso Tsunami Singh’s act is funny at first, but gets irritating as the plot progresses. His graffiti t-shirts are superb.

The kid. Very cute. And not too irritating, like most kids in films are.

The ‘WTF!!!’s.
The blatant advertising at every point, be it Sony Vaio or Blackberry, it’s just in your face all the time. Ugh!!

The story is quite weak. The villains’ reason for vengeance is quite weak, and Aditya Pancholi appearing with kajal in his eyes doesn’t help at all. Neither does it help that he sends a remote-controlled helicopter as a weapon. Seriously, dude?

The best friend suddenly changing her mind is baffling. Why?? Nowhere in the rest of the movie did she display feelings of any sort for him, then suddenly why? Even after the other bad guy had walked off, she still could’ve explained. Did Lovely Singh’s six-pack suddenly turn her on that she changed her mind? And Jesus!! Please stop throwing expensive mobile phones out of trains yaar!! Ever heard of something called a ‘switch off’ button??

Just because Kareena is wearing Kurtas all through the movie, they put one romantic song towards the end (Teri Meri) where she’s wearing bras (or was it a blouse? Who can tell…) and barely-there sarees and showing off her skin. I liked her traditional avatar much better.

Salman Khan digging the diary out of the kachra dabba on the railway station (they don’t show him actually digging it out, but it’s understood). Chi chi chi!!! And how on earth did he finish reading the diary, which explains the entire story of the movie, in two-three minutes?

I could’ve done so many better things with my 150 bucks. Sigh..

Oh and did you know, item numbers are these days known as ‘Friendly Appearance’? That’s how Katrina Kaif has been credited. Ya, right.

Even if you classify it as a masala entertainer, it fails to impress. Songs are ok, with the light-hearted “I love you” being my pick of the lot. There was really no need for “Desi Beats”, and “Teri Meri” has nothing extraordinary about it. The title track is good, hummable and dance-able.

I hope the director is not planning this in one more language. Dear god, I hope not. That’ll be rape.

The most interesting thing in the movie? Lovely’s mobile phone ringtone. I wonder where I can download it.

My score- 4/10.

What say you, people?

(Images courtesy Google)


  1. Hey its a Sallu movie.. story? whats that?...N unbelievably, its the fastest Indian to cross 100 Crs..

    Nice review Spiff.. I'll probably watch it fr Katrina :)

    N in other news, the movie is being made in Kannada and Telugu too...


  2. OMG!!! Even if i do watch the movie, i dont think ill find it half as interesting as your post!
    But seriously.. this is the first time that when someone has said a movie is bad, i actually wanna go watch it..! That's how good your post is! ;)

  3. siddique s one of the directors who has the highest success ratio in indian cinema..almost all of his movies except bodyguard (the original mal version) were big hits here down south..all were well made movies..but the irony s that the shittiest movie he has ever made-bodyguard(in malayalam,it was nt a big hit-average pergformanxce at the boxoffice )has given him the biggest hit in his life..sallu bhai roxx...but the movie sucks to the core,be t the mal one or the hind /tamil remakes....!

  4. I've been seeing facebook statuses in the dozens echoing the same view.

    Someone even mentioned that the Teri Meri song is the only saving grace in the entire movie, am beginning to see the truth in that now.

  5. You saved me from a torture.The story I know and Kareena I cannot stand.That leaves me with Sallu.Thanks girl.If a die hard fan of Sallu like you gave a 4/10,I'll use the $12 for a ticket to buy myself a vodka shot. :D

  6. After this phenomenal post of yours, I do not think that I am going to donate a single buck to PVR for this movie :/ I guess anybody will agree that your take on this movie is far more intriguing than the movie itself! :D ;D

  7. Rofl only I can say! :P I never watched it and thanks to you, I'll never watch it! :P Hope you had fun! :D

  8. The outrageously senseless storyline of the original one in Malayalam starring(?) Dileep itself made me want to slap myself for going to watch that movie in Tvm. Going by your take on the movie, I guess I had a treat in mal. At least some of the jokes were laughable and to top it off, a fairly good-looking Nayantara in a demure appearance. Thanks for saving my 300 bucks (thats what it costs here in PVR)

  9. :D

    I actually managed to realise quite early into the post that this was a movie review.

    You'll have to give me credit for that. :P

    P.S. : I feel Salman Khan is funnier in real life than he would probably be in his movies. :P

  10. Well, not a big Salman fan.. admire his comedies however i would skip this movie.. and the reason being the Malayalam version that i saw with Dileep in it.. god, if that was not torturing enough they made a tamil and hindi movie out of it..!!!

    for me.. the movie in Malyalam was a big bore.. only reason why i watched it was cos it was cochin haneefa's last movie ( and he is wasted there too). so i wouldnt risk my money on a bigger bore that promise's to rip off brains like salmam's clothes..!!
    i'll pass :)

  11. Is it that bad??? Thanks for the review, you save my weekend...

  12. @R-A-J: Seriously, if Salman also wans't there in the movie, I would've walked out halfway.
    And two more languages?!!!!!!! Ayyyoooooo!

    @TheGirlAtFirstAvenue: By all means, do watch it. Then I'll get a chance to say "I told you so!" :P
    Thanks! :)

    @nikhimenon: Exactly! He's a good director, and I woudn't say that the direction was bad. It's the story that doesn't make sense. And from what I've heard, the Tamil is the better of the lot apparently. I haven't seen the original or the Tamil one.

    @Atrocious Scribblings: For me, even Teri Meri was blah, because it's a slow song, and that's the last thing you want in the second half when all you want is for the damn film to just get over! Plus it's been shot very tackily.

    @Blue Lotus: The Sallu fan in me was disapointed. :( And I could've bought a full bottle White Mischief with that 150 bucks. :P (I love you, seriously. We think along the same lines- the lines being vodka. :P)

  13. @Ananya: Hehe. :) But don't take just my word for it. I'm just one person. Apparently, the movie's doing well at the Box Office.

    @DawnZhang: Yes, I had fun. The popcorn and Pepsi were supercool to hang out with. :P

    @Musings: True, the jokes in Malayalam lose their punch when remade into HIndi. For eg:- Private Number/Parvathi Nambiar (is that there in the original). They can't even say Nambiar properly. When Vadivelu said it, it was funny. Not so much in this.
    And you can watch it for Salman. Rest, just blah.

    @Shobhit: Salman's comedy is brilliant!! Eg:- Andaz Apna Apna, Hello Brother etc. He's wasted in this.
    And bravo on figuring out that it's a movie review! :D

    @Superrrnickkk: Dileep is actually good at comedy, but I heard that he's horrible in this particular one. I loved him in Meesha Madhavan, CID Moosa, Kalyana Raman etc.
    P.S:- Did I get all hte extra letters correct? :P

    @Saru Singhal: Well, that's the problem with cinema. It's very relative. What I consider bad might be loved by others. SO don't take just my word for it. Ask a few people, and then give it a shot. :)

  14. i liked Dileep in bodyguard..i am not gonna even try watching the sallu avatar in the bodyguard remake in Hindi...esp after your review :P
    nd Kareena is bigtime flaunting tht viao isnt she? :P

  15. Sallu...oh..Sallu... why even bother now?

    Have much better things to do in my couple of hours.

  16. My brother watched the movie, came back home fuming, and upon asking he burst out 'How could she throw her BlackBerry outside a running train ?, I'm dying to have one' :D:D

    Needless to mention, You share your views with me here too :P:P
    I actually did not like it at all. Salman was acting too dumb and innocent. And it took only one fight, I mean seriously, just a single fight for Kareena to realize that she's in love with this mountain of a bodyguard. And she immediately confesses it.

    And don't even let me get started on the advertising part.

    I hated Tsunami Singh,wait, no, I need a stronger word, I loathed him. He got on my last nerve that Salman had failed to climb.

    My rating would be 3 (This isn't out of 10:P )


  17. I don't think I'm gonna watch it. Hate movies like these.

  18. @Red Handed: Fulltoo flaunting re! Uff!!

    @Kunal: DOn't write off Sallu just as yet. :(

    @Serendipity: I swear, when she threw tha phone out, I alost lunged from my chair to catch it. What a waste no. :/

    @cricketfreak: Go eat with that money. :)

  19. @Redhanded - hahahhaa.. loved the line "...that she's in love with this mountain of a bodyguard" :)))

  20. I wasn't going to watch the movie anyways, and after your review, I am gonna try saving my friends' money too :D

    kareena should definitely be hanged to throw the blackberry X-(

    stay blessed ^_^

  21. @shashank: Buy me a biryani with the money you saved. :P
    And it's not Kareens who throws it out, it's her best friend.

  22. HAHAHA.. how. HOW do you take a trash movie and make it so funny :P
    JUST how?

    And you just saved me an entire day and 500 bucks in cash (the day-out I'd planned which stands cancelled:P)

    And I really do hope they don't decide to 'rape' :P

  23. @Priyanka: The trashier the movie, the more fodder I get. :P
    And like RAJ pointed out, they are remaking it in Kannada and Telugu as well. Lord save the world now. :/

  24. hahahahahah!!!!

    oh God..
    I really hope Salman and Co. gets hold of this link!


    awesome "Review" :P

  25. I just finished watching Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes :P Thank God I didn't yield to my friends who attended its nutty paid premiere. Peer pressure, I tell you :P

  26. @Priyanka: Thank you! :)

    @Sushmit: One question regarding " Planet of the Apes". Is Freida Pinto also playing an ape in it? :/

  27. Gud one. :)

    an intro of my post was ur fb status few days back. but it doesnt end there. there are many more reasons for us to hi5. most of which i found in ur 'about me' in ur blogger profile.

    and second latest post was anti-bodyguard too. and i havent even seen d movie :)

    ur good. me following.

  28. btw...i dunno ur exact movie choice but i saw that girl in yellow boots and liked it. and check out the trailer of blueberry hunt. im eagerly awaiting that one.

  29. @kalpak: Hey, thanks for dropping by!
    What are the other reasons for hi-five-ing, if I may ask? :)
    I'm going for 'The girl in yellow boots' tonight. Will let you know what I think. :)
    I saw the trailer of Blueberry Hint. Most of all, I htink Nasseeruddin Shah looks simly superb in it. The movie, let's see...

  30. wel...grammar nazi and phd in sarcasm to begin with...also maggi lover and champion fact i can type a history answer without lookin at the keypad once. :)

    highest five goes for the common dream :) hope we meet in some literary fest some day :)

    lemme know how u found dat gal in yellow boots. im a bit biased towards anurag kashyap since he's my fav in bollywud. i found d ending weird, but liked it cos it was different from predictable. although i did feel that the ending was made so just to keep the ending unpredictable.

    nasseruddin shah is the most underrated actor ever man. he deserves a lot more fame and appreciation that he already has.

  31. @Kalpak: Exactly what I thought. I felt the ending was a little weird, and made so to make it unpredictable. And even if that is fine, I somehow thought they could have at least chosen a better actor for it.
    But on the whole, a good movie. 8/10 marks for Gulshan Devaiah (the guy who played Chithiyappa). He is just AMAZING. Kalki's done a good job as well. And as goes with every Anurag Kashyap movie, the editing and cinematography is slick.
    Nasseeruddin Shah is a brilliant actor, but I don't think he's underrated. He's got his standing in the film fraternity, just that he's doing lesser moview now. But ya, he was totally wasted in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara also, don't you think?

  32. well i agree he has his own place in the fraternity, but yet i say he's underrated. i can even go to the extent of saying he's a better actor than amitabh bachchan.

    and znmd his role cud have been bigger. but ya he suited the character.

    and as for chithiyappa, that guy was awesome. i cant remember the last time i saw such a natural performance. he was good in shaitan too, but in this movie he was kickass.

  33. @kalpak: Amitabh is highly overrated. He is a good actor, granted. He was mindblowing in Black. But a tad overrated.
    Nasseeruddin Shah is a different league altogether. And his voice is to-die-for! :P Yes, I can be a typical girl sometimes. :)

    I haven't seen Shaitan yet. I heard that chap is good in that too. Have to watch it soon.

  34. yet another hi-five on thinkin amitabh is overrated.

    ur d first virgo i've come across with whom i have so much in common, thoughts and opinions wise.

    i feel even madhuri dixit and lata mangeshkar r overrated. wats ur take on dat???

    and ya, the king of all overrated shahrukh khan.

  35. @kalpak: Madhuri.. Well.. Not so much, because she's one of those actresses who didn't fall into a rut and go size-zero. Plus, I admire her dancing. And Lata Mangeshkar.. I listen to a lot of old hindi songs, so I differ on that as well. :)

  36. no even i like the two...jus that i find madhuri's beauty overrated than what it is, and ditto for lata's voice.

    and i jus recollected the thing i find the most overrated ever!!!



  37. Fortunately or unfortunately she plays a human :P But what's with Andy Serkis eh? From Gollum to being an ape, he's being everything but human :P I think his role as Haddock in the upcoming Tintin movie would be his first human role :O
    And "Thank God I didn't yield to my friends who attended its nutty paid premiere. Peer pressure, I tell you :P" this portion of my earlier comment referred to 'Bodyguard' and not '...Apes' My bad :P

  38. I almost died watching the original in malayalam. Hats off to you for sitting through the entire movie!


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