August 29, 2013

The Truth About Sex

*The post is liberally peppered with the word "sex". So don't even go past this line if you're squeamish about it. I don't want to get any comments saying that you found this crass and gross*

Our primary source of knowledge about sex is more often than not from movies, books, television, etc. Right? We’ve all eagerly waited for our parents to go to bed so that we watch some “late night HBO-type fun” (those who have watched ‘The President is Coming’ will get this). Another source, of course, is porn. But that’s a whole different point of view.

We tend to form our opinions (not to mention expectations)about sex from whatever we see in all these movies and read about in Mills & Boons and Jackie Collins novels at a young impressionable age. That boys and girls form different opinions about it is another matter altogether.

I can’t speak for men, but as a woman, I have realised by now that we should simply not believe what we watch and read about sex. It might just lead to a whole lot of disappointment when you actually do start having sex. I won’t say I was disappointed, but it did bust a few popular notions. So here you go, a list of thing I feel popular culture tends to lie to you or build stereotypes in your mind about sex. All the virgins out there, take notes. All the non-virgins, help me out, ok?

1)      White bedsheets.
You know what I’m talking about, right? 90 percent of the sex scenes I have seen have couples wrapped tightly in pristine, pure white bedsheets, much like how you swaddle new born babies (apologies for that disturbing parallel). Here’s the truth. Nobody has sex wrapped in bedsheets, let alone white ones. Unless you want your limbs to get entangled in them at the most crucial moments. And the white sheets remind me of hospitals more than anything. Besides, the feel of skin on skin is so much better than the feel of bedsheet on bedsheet (that doesn’t even sound sexy)

2)      People have this notion, owing mainly to films, that sex is purely a nocturnal activity. My friends have stopped calling me past 11 at night now. Even if they call, they hang up quickly. Why? Because they don’t want to be the reason to delay any ‘activities’. Or if I don’t pick up the call, they just assume that it’s because I’m busy *nudge nudge wink wink*.
What makes you think I have sex only at night? Or that night is the only time I have sex? Sex needn’t always happen only at night. It can very well happen in the morning, afternoon, or evening. Or all of these times, if you’re up for it! Sure, it’s a lot more convenient at night, because you’re not in a hurry to get ready and rush to work. But you needn’t necessarily have the energy for it at night either, right? And believe me,  if you’re in the mood for it, it won't even matter what time of the day it is,.

3)      Movies and TV shows (Read- Sex and the city) show the woman having screaming orgasms during sex. Naturally, I was under the impression that orgasms are a given, that it’ll just happen. So imagine my consternation when I discovered that orgasms are not as easy as they show it to be. Oh not for the men, though. It’s pretty easy for them. But for the women..phew, is it a lot of work or what! I’m not saying it’ll never happen. But don’t count on having one every time. Don’t get hung up about it. Because the point of sex is not the orgasm. If you keep obsessing about reaching a climax, you’ll simply not enjoy the rest of the act. And it’s no fault of the man, really (well, sometimes it is). That’s just how the female anatomy is.

      But when the orgasms do happen? Yes, they’re every bit as amazing as they describe it in movies and books. That, alone, is not a myth. ;)

4)      You need not look like a hero or a supermodel to enjoy sex. The heroine in the movie has flat abs because she gets paid to look beautiful. But you have no such obligation. Trust me, the guy does not care if there’s a tyre around your tummy and the girl doesn’t care if you don’t have six pack abs. I personally feel, out of experience, that good-looking people, or people who think they are good-looking, are not all that great in bed. Those chiseled abs may help in turning you on, but when he’s just lying there on his back, as though he’s doing you a favour, expecting you to do all the work, it’s not much of a turn-on anymore.
So stop being conscious about your body.

5)      Ladies, it’s ok to enjoy sex, and be open about it. You don’t need to be so shy, batting eyelashes and blushing when a man touches you. I know it’s a deeply emotional thing for us, but it’s ok to let go. In fact, from what I’ve gathered, men like it when the woman is a lot more proactive. So shed those inhibitions and start enjoying sex. It’s not a sin. And don’t expect the man to do all the work. Not only is it unfair, it’ll also make sex boring.

6)      The girl is sitting on the bed, bedecked in bridal finery, waiting for her brand new husband to come into the room. He comes in, sits next to her, gently lifts her face, he says something corny, she blushes, and they fall to the side, scene blurs. The quintessential suhaag raat scene (for the south Indians, imagine the scene play out with the groom in mundu and the bride with a glass of milk in her hand).

When did the wedding day become all about the first night? What about the rest of the day? The fact that the boy and girl are entering a new phase in their lives? All of that loses importance in the face of the fact that they’ll be getting laid that night (for many them, it would be the first time). For the unmarried ones out there, it’s not mandatory that you have to have sex on your so-called first night! That’s bullshit! Think of it from a practical point of view. You’ll probably be up from about 4 am that day, standing on your feel all day, smiling at thousands of people. How in the world do you expect to enjoy sex when you’re so bloody tired?! Relax. It’s not mandatory. You don’t have to have sex if you’re not ready for it just to prove anything to anybody. Do  it when you’re in a more relaxed state of mind, after all the wedding madness has ebbed.
Of course, this is a completely personal choice. All I’m saying is, don’t get tensed about it. you have the rest of your lives to have sex. It’s ok if you don’t do it on the very first night. There are people who do it on the wedding night itself, and I really admire their patience. I, for one, got a wonderful foot massage on my wedding night. Right then, I knew I’d married the right guy.

Also, the chances of a woman getting pregnant after having sex just once are very less. Unless they're an incredibly fertile couple. 

7)      Stop associating sex with marriage. Period.

So what do you think? Am I being silly here?

August 3, 2013

Spaceman Spiff is lost

I’m not writing much lately. What I am doing, though, is complaining about it a lot. It’s not even writer’s block. It’s an insult to genuine writers if I call it that. Maybe it’s because of my job. It is so mindnumbingly boring that I can actually feel my brain cells dying, one by one. All I do is copy-paste and fill in mindless spreadsheets with data I care two hoots about. That’s eight and a half hours of my life that I’m never getting back, everyday.

If I dig some more, I could come up with more reasons as to why I don’t write anymore. But I know as well as anyone that those are just excuses. Excuses like lack of time, fatigue, caught up in the drudgery of household chores- but it’s more than that. I don’t know what it is. My blogger friends ask me why I haven’t updated my blog in so long, and I have no answer. Even my mom and dad have started asking me why I don’t write anymore.

It’s not like I don’t write at all. I do. I scribble in my diary sometimes, a few lines here and there. But I think more than not being able to write, I think I have lost confidence in my writing. I start writing a post, and halfway through, I decide that it’s not good enough. And I give it up. Just like that. In fact, when I started typing this post too, I was pretty sure I’ll write a paragraph and then abandon it after that. How could I give up so easily? How could I give up on something that is the very core of me, the thing that defines me, gives meaning to my life?

Maybe I’ve lost it.

There. I’ve said it. It’s out in the open. And now that I’ve actually physically typed it out, maybe I can start to deal with it.