January 16, 2012

Don't ask me why, don't make me lie.

I want to throw my phone away and go somewhere.

Someplace where there is no internet or television. Or annoying questions that I have no answers to. No, not like the Bigg Boss house. I don’t want familiar people around either.

No, I don’t know when I’m getting married. When I know, I’ll announce it to the world and send you the card, ok?

No, I don’t know how long I’m gonna stay in this job. When I know, I’ll tell, ok?

No, I have no fucking clue when I’m moving out of Hyderabad. When I decide, I will mail you the scanned copy of my ticket, ok?

Till then, fucking stop asking me.

No, I’m not gonna get married and have babies just because my friends are. If I had to follow the crowd, I would’ve joined engineering and be writing back-papers now.

What do you mean, “Why did you cut your hair? Why did you pierce your nose?” What sort of a question is that? Why does anybody cut their hair or pierce their nose or ears or belly button? For world peace? No!!! I do it because I bloody want to!
Why do you ask so many questions? Was it your life’s secret ambition to become a quizmaster?

I want to go to some place where no one knows me or I don’t know anybody. Where people won’t have round-table conferences to discuss why the skinny girl has put on weight. Where I won’t have to meet deadlines or lie about why I haven’t turned in the story yet. Where I won’t be forced to wear stupid kurtas and leggings just because it is the ‘dress code’. Where I can streak my hair purple and colour my nails green.

I want to go someplace where I can sing at the top of my voice and no one will look weirdly at me. Where I can wear shorts and roam around. I want to go to sleep at 4 in the morning, wake up at 11, have breakfast at 1, lunch at 5, margaritas for tea. Or maybe, not go to sleep at all. I don’t want to know what time of the day it is. I want to eat when I’m hungry and sleep when I’m sleepy. Not eat because I’m supposed to eat at a particular time of the day or sleep because I’m supposed to sleep at a particular time.

I want to go for long walks, just observing. No talking. Who will I talk to, if I’m going alone? Long walks with no set direction or duration. Just walk till my feet hurt. I will have a small notebook and a pencil stub in my pocket, with which I’ll scribble stuff that I observe during my walk.

I want to be at such a place from where I can see the sun rise and set. Where the wind is so strong, it messes up my hair and makes my eyes water.

I want to be at a beach that doesn’t resemble a parade ground. All I want with me is the sand and the waves. I want to walk on the beach with the wind in my hair and sand at my feet, and trace my name in the damp sand, hurriedly before the waves come and wash it off.

I want to spend the whole day writing and scribbling nonsense that I will never post or publish. Write with my hand, not type on my laptop. And then I will smell the paper to take in the fragrance of pencil.

I want to lie on my back and watch the stars and moon at night. Just watch them for hours, humming Rafi and Kishore songs softly to myself. Occasionally a “Hello darkness, my old friend”, maybe. And then when I fall asleep right there, I don't want anyone to wake me up and tell me to 'go inside and sleep', because I don't want to.

I don’t want to expect anyone’s arrival. Nor anyone to expect mine.

I don’t want to wait for anyone. Nor anyone to wait for me.

I don’t want to be answerable to anyone. Nor anyone to me.

I want to be some place where I won’t have to answer an endless barrage of questions.

Yes, this is a rant.

No, this is not aimed at anyone in particular. It’s aimed at everyone in general.

Pardon the use of abuses. I’m sorry. Well, not all that much.

January 8, 2012

I had a dream...

Do dreams really signify anything?

I’ve pretty much been a dreamless-sleeper. But of late, I’ve been getting a lot of dreams. Not particularly bad ones, but chaotic ones. Ones that don’t let me sleep peacefully. Ones that have me tossing and turning all night. Ones that I actually remember the next morning because of its unpleasantness.

I’ve noticed a pattern. Whenever I’m at peace with my life, I have a dreamless sleep. I go to bed, fall asleep immediately, and have a refreshing sleep. But if there’s something worrying me- which is alarmingly often these days- I have a very fitful sleep. I take hours to fall asleep, in spite of curling up to the maximum possible limit. If there’s even the tiniest bit of issue worrying me (like, for example, when Sumitra had hosted her C&H giveaway, I actually dreamt that someone else had won it. I swear, I’m not exaggerating. That was the closest I came to having a nightmare :/ That I won it eventually is a different matter :P). There have been times when I woke up to find my cheeks wet because I had been crying in my sleep, and I hurriedly called up home and my friends to ensure that everyone was ok.

But one recurring dream that I’ve had, quite many times, is of going to an exam unprepared. And I’m mostly wearing my school uniform. These dreams usually follow a pattern of me forgetting that I have an exam, rushing to the exam hall, asking random people for last-minute-notes, and sitting and staring blankly at the question paper. And then when I wake up in the morning worried that I have an exam to rush to, I remember with a sigh of relief that I no longer have to appear for exams!

Last night was one such night. Among a lot of other chaotic things, including an accident (or was it death? I don’t remember), I dreamt that I had gone to yet another exam, unprepared. I finally fell asleep at 5:30 AM. As a result, I’m now nodding off at my desk. And I thought I was done with losing sleep over exams…

If any of you has read Freud, can you tell me if this recurrence means anything?

Do you usually remember your dreams? What are your recurring dreams?

P.S:- I got my nose pierced. Yay! :) No, I’m not going to put up pics here, not right now anyways, because the nose pin that they gun-shot into my nose at the parlour is a big one. So it’s like there’s a mini-bulb glowing on my nose right now. As if I needed anything more to draw attention to my elephant-nose. :/ But I love it all the same. :)

January 3, 2012

It’s amazing…

1) …how so many people have an opinion on something so personal and seemingly insignificant as a haircut. It’s my hair. I’ll cut it, grow it, corn-row it, bead it, colour it purple, or shave it- it’s my wish.

2) …how when you’re thin, all everyone could ask was “Why are you so thin? Aren’t your parents feeding you anything?”, and when you put on four kilos, they leave no opportunity to ask you “Why have you put on weight? What do you eat?”

3) …how random people I’m meeting for the first time in my life can have the audacity to ask me “Your friends are getting married no? Why are you not getting married?”. To which I politely replied, “If that’s the case, many of my friends are having babies also. That doesn’t mean I should do whatever they do.”

4) …how you can be 25 years old to the rest of the world, but still be just 2 years old to your parents. It’s infuriating at times, but for the most part, very very reassuring.

5) …how, in spite of having lived away from home since 2007, my mom still cries each and every time I leave home after a vacation. Every. Single. Time.

6) …how I tease Amma for being a cry-baby every time, but I myself turn away from her quickly so that she doesn’t see my eyes welling up.

7) …how beautiful our country looks from up in the air, amidst the clouds. Gorgeous.

8) …how something as simple as getting a call from the sound engineer in my old office, saying “Divya, come down to the office na. I want your voice to record new year wishes jingle” can make me so happy.

9) …how delicious crab curry and kappa-meen can taste from a small way-side stall on the seashore.

10) …how the worst kind of sickness that can afflict you is ‘homesickness’.

2011 was a revelation. It was a roller-coaster ride. It brought along many surprises, good and bad. The biggest ‘good’ surprise of the year was my dad. The next was how blogging and writing became a major part of my life. I also discovered the perks of blogging. I started teaching part-time.

I hope 2012 gives me more clarity. Because I badly need it. I cannot stay confused forever. Because if the world really is going to end in 2012, I don’t want to die regretting that I never did all those things that I wanted to.

I also hope I start working on a book this year. And for that, I need motivation from you guys. You guys have helped me become an avid blogger. I’m confident that you’ll also help me become an author. I have more faith in you people, my dear bloggers, than I have in myself.

Happy 2012, folks. Let’s promise to the do and be the best we can, shall we?