June 7, 2012

For the greater good

So I have this really bad habit. Whenever things are going smoothly in my life, instead of accepting it gracefully, I start questioning it. “Why is everything going so smoothly? Why are things fine? Shouldn’t something have gone wrong by now?” No, I’m not a pessimist. I’ve just been conditioned by experience. I’ve learnt the hard way that after showering me with truckloads of happiness, the dude up there will most likely dump an equal number of truckloads of crap on me. So it’s not pessimism or cynicism. Just caution.

As a result, I have ended up getting suspicious about even the slightest bit of goodness that comes my way. I went through a difficult break-up a few months back. Difficult is actually an understatement. I managed to come out of it emotionally battered, but alive (and miraculously, without taking to the bottle), mainly because of my family and friends. That’s why I was off the radar for a while back then. I just didn’t have the will to write. I did try writing, but whatever I wrote was too depressing even for me to read. I didn’t want to spread the depression on my blog as well. Instead, I wrote in my diary, cried non-stop for a few weeks, vented out to my friends, and managed to survive.

And then I decided to stop crying and torturing myself. Because I knew that I had given my best to the relationship. I had given it my two hundred percent, and I was ready to give it more. I was in love, after all. I had told my folks about it, they had accepted it. They weren’t ecstatic about it, but had accepted it for my happiness (I have the best family in the world, I tell you). And when it was his turn to convince his family, he couldn’t do it. He tried, I know he did. But I could see that he was tired of fighting. So I decided to end his misery as well as mine, and called it off. I think he was waiting for me to do the same…

So yes, that ended. From thinking “I cannot live without him”, I have reached a point where I actually am living without him. And I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job at it. I saw him a few weeks back, at a function. And I was perfectly fine. I guess, to quote Dumbledore, everything happens ‘for the greater good’.

But yes, I have to admit, this break-up has hardened me, more than the previous one did. I don’t trust anything or anyone on face-value anymore. And I’ve realized something very important- It’s not enough if it just ‘feels’ right. It has to go right too, all the way till the end.

And why am I telling you all this now, you wonder? Because even without knowing me personally, you guys have been a source of constant support. I know that if I had written about this break-up at the time it happened, I would’ve got a flood of comments and emails telling me to hang in there, and that everything will be fine. But I went into a shell. I just didn’t want to talk about it.

Now, something good seems to be coming my way. Like a nice warm cup of coffee on a rainy day, a semblance of order and happiness seems to be brewing its way into my life. But old habits die hard, right? As always, I’m finding it hard to accept it. Because everything seems to be running smoothly, a bit too smoothly. It's overwhelming.

Why the hell is it so hard for me to accept that, yes, maybe I do deserve to be happy, after all?

I need blessings and good wishes of each and every one of you. And I also need you to tell me to stop over-thinking, and just accept things happily. Can you do that much for me?

P.S.1:- If all goes well, you guys will be the first to hear about it.

P.S.2:- Aditi and PeeVee, I cannot thank you guys enough for being there for me during that time. You have no idea how much that helped. I hope I can make it up in some way at some time.