April 12, 2011

Wishlist of a screwloose- Part 1

Warning: Highly imaginative content ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

I know I’m only 24, but it’s never too early to make a wish/ bucket list, right. Plus, I was bored at work.
So, here goes.

# I want to do a sleazy item number in a Bollywood movie, wearing all those sequined bustiers and skimpy skirts, gyrating to the beats of 'Munni badnaam hui’ or 'Babuji zara dheere chalo’. ‘Ek do teen’ will also do. Oh, and I need my own vanity van, which will have a well-stocked bar (I figure a certain level of intoxication is mandatory for that kind of inhibition-less gyration), an LCD TV to watch Emotional Atyachaar and Roadies, imported cosmetics, and Filmfare magazines. I will have a matronly manager who will attend to me and flatter me all the time “Babyji, juice”, “Babyji, biryani”, “Shot ready hai, Babyji”, “Aapke saamne tho Aishwarya Rai bhi kaamwali bai lagti hai, Babyji”. I should also get to keep the skimpy costume that I will later wear to my child’s PTA meetings.

# I want to star in a soap opera and play the vamp’s character, wearing the ugly sarees and uglier five-inch thick make-up. Only difference between me and the other actresses who play vamps will be that I will look beautiful even with all that ugly make-up and costume. My signature move, where everyone will know I’m up to no good, will be me buffing my nails with a purple nail file. Ivory-studded.

# I want to go to a movie and talk loudly into the phone. Just when a crucial scene is about to happen and everyone’s silent, I want to giggle into the phone “Oh my god, last night was sooooooo amazing!” irrespective of whether I was talking about a date or a meteor shower, and then blush when everyone turns to stare/glare at me (the blush will be visible even in the darkened movie hall).

# I want to go to a really crowded place, like a temple, and push through the queue and kick up a fight with all those who are not letting me cut the line. And I will not rest till I see blood. Preferably theirs.

# I want to buy a really huge house in the most expensive locality of the city, and then decorate it with the choicest of items from “Dee Décor- Crappy Furnishings for Happy Living.” My bedroom will have one wall painted purple, another wall painted orange, and the rest will be a blinding red. My children’s room will have posters of Justin Bieber, High School Musical, Hannah Montana, Britney Spears etc.

# I want to be one of those people who nonchalantly pee/ spit on the road, as though it’s the most natural thing in the world to pull out your thing (I’m a good girl. I don’t say the P word on a public forum) on a crowded road and scald people’s eyes. (Although, the fact that I’m a girl might make it a little difficult for me to do the same thing in public. Oh well, I guess that’s one thing off the list. Damn, I was so looking forward to this one!)

# I want to be a teacher and teach really awesome English to my students. For eg:-
Fill in the blanks:
Shahid Kapoor is ‘good friends’ with _______________ (No choices given. It might be confusing for the kids to list out more than ten names).

Nursery rhymes:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you don’t tell me the answer
Boo you boo you!

Spell a)Facebook b)Orkut c)Like d)Comment e)Frandship f)Request g) Photo album h)gmail i)Google j)Sachin Tendulkar

Utilizing English language for Conservation of Letters- SMS language.
A for Apl, B for Bl, C for Ct, D for dll, E for Elphnt, F for fud, G for gal, H for hw, I for imp...Z for zzzz.
(This could be a breakthrough course!! I could be on the board of directors of Facebook and Twitter!)

I will walk into class every day and greet students “Good maarning childrens, pliss sit dauwn.”

# I want to go to a five-star hotel and order for ‘chota chai’ and ‘biskut’. If they act confused or derogatory, I’ll say “Kya yaaron, biskut nahi maaloom?Maa ki kirkiri.* ”

# I want to go to a very traditional (but lavish. I want the free food) wedding, and yell just when the pheras are about to begin “Nahin, ye shaadi nahin ho sakthi!! Tumhe hamaare bacche ki kasam!!”. To the bride.

# Stand for elections and go for campaigning wearing a FCUK tube top and skinny jeans. It’s time somebody gave Ujala and Khadi a break.

# Kick somebody else’s bucket.

To be continued…

*Maa ki kirkiri- Quintessentially Hyderabadi swear-word.


  1. KIRAAAACKKKK...waise i love the line about "Nahi....Humare bache ki kasam" to the BRIDE of all the people hahahhahaha

  2. @Tanveer: Zamaana hi aisa hai yaaron. :p And 'Kiraackk', another quintessentially Hyderabadi word. Love the language, have to say! :)

  3. Hahaha!! Loved it!! :) And I love h'badi slangs too! Bairi lagatun hauli being my favourite! Yes, I talk like a guy when speaking in h'badi coz it's so much more fun! :D

  4. @Lunatic: Something about your username tells me and you and I are going to be very good friends ;).
    And hello, have you heard the hyderabadi women talk? They're no less, girl!! Just that they don't pepper their conversations with too many expletives.

  5. ;) Did you know your Malayalees food guide thingy is being shared and re-shared amongst my collegemates on facebook? I loved it bloody so much and that's when I tracked you down on google and happened to love your blog!:D Pretty stalker like I know, but I'm a sucker for simple yet fun blogs like these. So hi5 friend! :)

    And no, never heard any hyderabadi woman speak. Actually I have never been there. I just have one psycho h'badi guy for a friend from whom I learnt it. :D

  6. High-faive! ;)
    Even I like simple fun blogs. No philosophy and all for me. If there are more than two big words in one sentence, I ditch it right there.
    And yes, I heard that the malayalee food guide thingie is all over FB. Never again will I underestimate the power of the internet, I swear.

  7. And I do wish I had some handsome hunk with a Mercedes and a 1 crore worth flat stalking me, but I guess I'll have to settle for you. Someone's better than no-one's right? (Harmless corrolary of Something's better than nothing). Do you happen to have a rich good-looking brother, by any chance?

  8. Exactly my thought!
    And yes, I do have two brothers who are on their way to being rich, I believe. :D

  9. Two brothers, huh? Hmm.. Interesting..

  10. Two brothers, huh? Hmm.. Interesting..

  11. This is hilarious: "A for Apl, B for Bl, C for Ct, D for dll, E for Elphnt, F for fud, G for gal, H for hw, I for imp...Z for zzzz.
    (This could be a breakthrough course!! I could be on the board of directors of Facebook and Twitter!)" :D

    I share your aversion for spelling-mangling, more so when such mangling (a) leads to confusion; or (b) has no advantage of economy and is merely used as a device to look cool.


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