What's life without passion?
Have you ever wondered?
Living your entire life, not being passionate about anything or anyone...wow, what an empty life that would be.
I can't ever imagine living like that, you know. without having a rush of emotions for something. and it doesn't have to be a person. it can be anything. you can be passionate about music, books, politics, your career. just about anything. and if it is for a person, then wow, nothing like it.
i know people who're passionate about things in life. about music, about studies, about politics. and it's so inspiring to see them, you know. so awesome to see their zest for life.
and then, when i thought about it, i realised. i DO have a passion. A passion for life. i love my life. and i love living it. i mean, ya sure, there are ups and downs. thats what makes it more beautiful, right? i don't get depressed easily, i dont let things, or people, affect me easily. sure, i may get down for the moment, but then i'm back on track. things have happened in my life, times where i've had doubts about myself. but ya, thanks to some amazing people in my life, i again feel on top of the world. some may find it arrogant, some insensitive. to all of them i say "b#*%s!!!".
Let's face it- you should first learn to love yourself. if you cant, then there's no point in living your life. yes, its divine to love others, i get it. but first 'i me myself' should be your motto. sure, it may sound vain and arrogant. but u gotta say it like it is, right?
so on that note, the narcissist signs off...remember, love thy self.
(P.S: dedicated to a certain other narcissist like me).
November 23, 2009
June 15, 2009
My tryst with life
Long time since i sat down to pen a few words. Same excuse as i've been using, all these days to everyone..too busy, no time, no energy. the side-effects of being employed.
Things are going well work-wise. Graduated from being 'trainee producer' to 'producer'. And i'm enjoying what i'm doing. after all, this is what i've been wanting to do for a really long time. and i dont have to sit at one place and work for a long time..thats the best part.
Work, i like..not too sure about the people at work, though. some are good, some not so good. have made a few friends. but still dont know whether they're friends or just acquaintances.We'l see.
I love my new home. but sadly, i hardly get time to spend there. leave home at 8:30, get back by 9. i just get a sunday. and i cherish those sundays. i'm fiercely possessive about 'my sunday'. only extreme boredom and emergencies can get me out of the house. and the former has never really been an issue with me. I dont really have a problem being alone, roaming around the city alone. It's starting to alarm me, in fact. the lack of company does not seem to bother me at all. and i dont like it if ppl stay at my place for too long. its like, ok,this is my space, you should leave now.. not a good sign.
Some days, wen i hear others in my office say that they need to get home early coz their parents will be waiting for them, i feel a stab. that there is no one back home waiting for me except my roomie, no mom to get worried abt where i am and why i'm late, no dad to pick me up if i get too late. but now, i sometimes like the fact that i'm not answerable to anybody but myself. its a strange feeling.
I'm enjoying my independance.and my solitary lifestyle.
Things are going well work-wise. Graduated from being 'trainee producer' to 'producer'. And i'm enjoying what i'm doing. after all, this is what i've been wanting to do for a really long time. and i dont have to sit at one place and work for a long time..thats the best part.
Work, i like..not too sure about the people at work, though. some are good, some not so good. have made a few friends. but still dont know whether they're friends or just acquaintances.We'l see.
I love my new home. but sadly, i hardly get time to spend there. leave home at 8:30, get back by 9. i just get a sunday. and i cherish those sundays. i'm fiercely possessive about 'my sunday'. only extreme boredom and emergencies can get me out of the house. and the former has never really been an issue with me. I dont really have a problem being alone, roaming around the city alone. It's starting to alarm me, in fact. the lack of company does not seem to bother me at all. and i dont like it if ppl stay at my place for too long. its like, ok,this is my space, you should leave now.. not a good sign.
Some days, wen i hear others in my office say that they need to get home early coz their parents will be waiting for them, i feel a stab. that there is no one back home waiting for me except my roomie, no mom to get worried abt where i am and why i'm late, no dad to pick me up if i get too late. but now, i sometimes like the fact that i'm not answerable to anybody but myself. its a strange feeling.
I'm enjoying my independance.and my solitary lifestyle.
April 9, 2009
A broken bond... A lost friend...
They used to be the best of friends.It didn't matter that they were sisters and there was four years in between them. They were still friends.
Grew up together, went to the same school, same college,longed for a single room yet happily shared a room, played stupid games, laughed over silly things. Squeeled to their parents abt each other, but nevertheless, stood by each other in times of need. Fought like crazy over using the phone, but made up in less than a few hours. Fought for a pillow, but also learned to share it. Roamed around the city on the kinetic, going for movies. Shopped together for clothes. Spoke about friends, lives, dreams.
The younger one( lets call her choti) was always in awe of her elder sis(obviously we'l call her badi). Whatever badi did, choti had to do it. Wherever she went, choti wanted to go along. Not because she wanted to be a pest, but because she just felt that her elder sis was the coolest person in the world,and doing the same things that she did wud make her cool too. They were friends.They cared abt each other...
Then, badi left home for better education, better prospects. Choti was left all alone. A room all to herself no longer held any appeal. Movies lost their charm. The city lost its excitement coz now there was no one to take her on the kinetic. She had the phone all to herself now, but she suddenly realised that she didn't want to call anyone. Without anyone to fight over it, the phone had lost its charm too. But its ok, she consoled herself, a least didi's doing well for herself. A great job, a busy city.She was living the life she always wanted, and choti was happy for her. And to add to it, there were all the goodies that her didi bought for her everytime. Their parents were happy that their daughter had a succesful career. They were proud of their first-born.
But no-one noticed that in between all this, choti was unhappy. She was sad- sad that though now she had a succesful sister, she had lost her friend. Their meetings became less, their conversations shorter. Watever they spoke started to sound artificial. It was broken, the bond. Choti just couldn't identify this new person her sis had become- modern, cosmopolitan. She cudnt understand how her didi cud so easily forget her roots and get sucked into a new one. Many times she considered talking to her abt it, telling her that she was sad at the way things had become. But she cudnt. Because she didnt think didi cud understand her anymore.
Its sad, isn't it, how friends become strangers. how blood relation becomes water. Somewhere along the way, they had got lost. They had lost sight of each other. They'd outgrown each other...
The bond had been broken...irrepairably, irrevocably.
But choti still yearns that some day, her didi will become her best-friend again...And that's all that matters to her.
Grew up together, went to the same school, same college,longed for a single room yet happily shared a room, played stupid games, laughed over silly things. Squeeled to their parents abt each other, but nevertheless, stood by each other in times of need. Fought like crazy over using the phone, but made up in less than a few hours. Fought for a pillow, but also learned to share it. Roamed around the city on the kinetic, going for movies. Shopped together for clothes. Spoke about friends, lives, dreams.
The younger one( lets call her choti) was always in awe of her elder sis(obviously we'l call her badi). Whatever badi did, choti had to do it. Wherever she went, choti wanted to go along. Not because she wanted to be a pest, but because she just felt that her elder sis was the coolest person in the world,and doing the same things that she did wud make her cool too. They were friends.They cared abt each other...
Then, badi left home for better education, better prospects. Choti was left all alone. A room all to herself no longer held any appeal. Movies lost their charm. The city lost its excitement coz now there was no one to take her on the kinetic. She had the phone all to herself now, but she suddenly realised that she didn't want to call anyone. Without anyone to fight over it, the phone had lost its charm too. But its ok, she consoled herself, a least didi's doing well for herself. A great job, a busy city.She was living the life she always wanted, and choti was happy for her. And to add to it, there were all the goodies that her didi bought for her everytime. Their parents were happy that their daughter had a succesful career. They were proud of their first-born.
But no-one noticed that in between all this, choti was unhappy. She was sad- sad that though now she had a succesful sister, she had lost her friend. Their meetings became less, their conversations shorter. Watever they spoke started to sound artificial. It was broken, the bond. Choti just couldn't identify this new person her sis had become- modern, cosmopolitan. She cudnt understand how her didi cud so easily forget her roots and get sucked into a new one. Many times she considered talking to her abt it, telling her that she was sad at the way things had become. But she cudnt. Because she didnt think didi cud understand her anymore.
Its sad, isn't it, how friends become strangers. how blood relation becomes water. Somewhere along the way, they had got lost. They had lost sight of each other. They'd outgrown each other...
The bond had been broken...irrepairably, irrevocably.
But choti still yearns that some day, her didi will become her best-friend again...And that's all that matters to her.
March 25, 2009
a disturbing dream
It was all hazy.A lot of people, a lot of chaos.But one thing was clear. It was not a good situation. Something bad had happened, and it had happened to someone i love dearly. People were crying. Rather, I was crying. And then, I woke up,and i realised that i was still crying. my eyes were wet, and though it was just a dream, i was upset. for some reason, my heart was heavy. Called up home the instant i woke up. made sure acha and amma were ok.Of course they were ok. it was just a dream after all...
But then, if it was just a dream, why was i afraid of going back to sleep? Why is it still nagging me?i hope i don't find out...
But then, if it was just a dream, why was i afraid of going back to sleep? Why is it still nagging me?i hope i don't find out...
August 28, 2008
Over a cup of coffee
I sit by my window, at my desk, loads of work lying in front of me. I sip my cup of much-needed black coffee, enjoying the wonderful aroma and flavour of it. It looks, and sounds, like rain outside. I take in the dark clouds, chilly wind, the leaves swaying in the wind. I can hear the birds twittering, probably looking for better shelter before the rain starts and their homes get wet.
Ah…what an idyllic moment.
I remember, in my last blog, the tagged-writing one, in my list of “things I believe in”, one of the things I’d written was “Happiness is definitely a state of mind”. In retrospect, what prompted me to write that? Did I always believe in that? Or did circumstances prompt me to think like that? Again, I don’t know…
But I think, at some level, I do know. I guess I realized the value of happiness after I came to Hyderabad, or, to be more specific, when I left home. Again, I come back to square one. Home.
Everybody takes things for granted. That’s…basic human nature. You take your family for granted, your friends for granted, your spouse…I guess I took my home for granted…my space. Where I had everything…my own room, my books, my comp, my T.V. and most of all, my family. Amma, who’s probably the best mom a stubborn, scatter-brain like me could have got. Sometimes I feel I don’t even deserve to get an angel like her. I mean, what have I ever done for her, except given a lot a tension and talk back. And Acha, who’s like a coconut. Tough on the outside, but when it comes to his daughters, he’s just a softie. My sister always used to say, that I’m his pet, that he loves me more than her…Is that ever possible? Can a parent ever favour one child over the other? And Chechi, who at one point of time, though we would fight like crazy, used to be one of my closest friends; sometimes I feel like I don’t know her anymore. I guess we just outgrew each other.
So then, what exactly am I doing 36-hours-long-train-journey away from home? Am I being a complete idiot? Or am I trying discover myself? Bullshit. Who am I kidding? The only thing I’ve discovered so far is that living alone costs a lot of money, and at the end of the day, all that freedom and all, is just not fun anymore. All you want to do is eat some proper home-made food, and cuddle up in your bed.
So, where does happiness figure in all this? Miles away from home, among people I’m not sure I even like (barring a very few), what crap am I out to discover? That people can be really mean and bitchy and selfish? That there isn’t inherent goodness in everyone as I used to believe? As Calvin once pondered with Hobbes “ Are human beings basically bad with some good tendencies, or basically good with some bad tendencies”( these are not the exact words. But it’s on similar lines). But yes, I have learnt to be happy about the smallest things. The long walks we enjoy around my awesome campus. The occasional eating-out jaunts that we take. The long coffee-sessions that we have in the hostel room, which can go on for- on some days- 3-4 hours. The steaming cup of chai at the canteen after a long day of classes. The cooking experiments in the room using a hot-plate. The feeling of being a kid again while swinging on the swings in the children’s park. When my cycle has enough air in it and I can enjoy a smooth ride.
I guess that’s one thing that’s helped me remain sane in this madhouse. My childishness. Others may think it’s silly, but I find solace in it. I find refuge in that, and I find freedom in that.
And I find joy in rambling like this…
My coffee’s over, some sugar crystals dried to the cup-bottom. It’s dark outside. And I don’t have anymore excuses to shirk away from work.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep…
And miles to go before I sleep…
Ah…what an idyllic moment.
I remember, in my last blog, the tagged-writing one, in my list of “things I believe in”, one of the things I’d written was “Happiness is definitely a state of mind”. In retrospect, what prompted me to write that? Did I always believe in that? Or did circumstances prompt me to think like that? Again, I don’t know…
But I think, at some level, I do know. I guess I realized the value of happiness after I came to Hyderabad, or, to be more specific, when I left home. Again, I come back to square one. Home.
Everybody takes things for granted. That’s…basic human nature. You take your family for granted, your friends for granted, your spouse…I guess I took my home for granted…my space. Where I had everything…my own room, my books, my comp, my T.V. and most of all, my family. Amma, who’s probably the best mom a stubborn, scatter-brain like me could have got. Sometimes I feel I don’t even deserve to get an angel like her. I mean, what have I ever done for her, except given a lot a tension and talk back. And Acha, who’s like a coconut. Tough on the outside, but when it comes to his daughters, he’s just a softie. My sister always used to say, that I’m his pet, that he loves me more than her…Is that ever possible? Can a parent ever favour one child over the other? And Chechi, who at one point of time, though we would fight like crazy, used to be one of my closest friends; sometimes I feel like I don’t know her anymore. I guess we just outgrew each other.
So then, what exactly am I doing 36-hours-long-train-journey away from home? Am I being a complete idiot? Or am I trying discover myself? Bullshit. Who am I kidding? The only thing I’ve discovered so far is that living alone costs a lot of money, and at the end of the day, all that freedom and all, is just not fun anymore. All you want to do is eat some proper home-made food, and cuddle up in your bed.
So, where does happiness figure in all this? Miles away from home, among people I’m not sure I even like (barring a very few), what crap am I out to discover? That people can be really mean and bitchy and selfish? That there isn’t inherent goodness in everyone as I used to believe? As Calvin once pondered with Hobbes “ Are human beings basically bad with some good tendencies, or basically good with some bad tendencies”( these are not the exact words. But it’s on similar lines). But yes, I have learnt to be happy about the smallest things. The long walks we enjoy around my awesome campus. The occasional eating-out jaunts that we take. The long coffee-sessions that we have in the hostel room, which can go on for- on some days- 3-4 hours. The steaming cup of chai at the canteen after a long day of classes. The cooking experiments in the room using a hot-plate. The feeling of being a kid again while swinging on the swings in the children’s park. When my cycle has enough air in it and I can enjoy a smooth ride.
I guess that’s one thing that’s helped me remain sane in this madhouse. My childishness. Others may think it’s silly, but I find solace in it. I find refuge in that, and I find freedom in that.
And I find joy in rambling like this…
My coffee’s over, some sugar crystals dried to the cup-bottom. It’s dark outside. And I don’t have anymore excuses to shirk away from work.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep…
And miles to go before I sleep…
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