May 10, 2011

Dontcha wish your country was cool like mine?! Dontcha!!

Why we Indians think we are the coolest thing to have happened to the world since low-waist jeans and Elvis Presley:-

# We have ATM’s. We also have dustbins in the ATM’s. But we would rather make a carpet out of the receipt slips than put them in the dustbins. That way, the dirt on the floor can be hidden. Way cooler.

# We have railway tracks. We also have trains running on them. And we also have people shitting on those tracks, and occasionally, people get pushed on to the tracks too. Who else will make such multiple uses of the railways?

# We don’t believe in standing in queues. That’s for people with a lot of time on their hands, and we don’t have that. We pleasantly ignore the people waiting in the queue and push to the head of the line. We are in a hurry, we have other places to grace our presence with.

# That’s also the reason why our population is steadily increasing. We are always in a hurry. And we are proud of it.

# The roads are not for the faint-at-heart. It’s for the warriors like us. We race, we honk like mad, we cut traffic signals, we bump someone off their vehicle, we swear generously, and we reach our destination. I mean, isn’t that what really matters?

# Yes, yes! We’re a developing country! We have built IT parks, we have the best hospitals, we have the best of educational institutions. We have even built public urinals on roads. But we still prefer to pee against the walls or under trees. You see, it’s beneficial for the trees. There is a do-gooder in every one of us.

# We believe in the power of human contact. That’s why we overload our buses and autos. The more the people, the better the contact, the higher the chances of being groped. We try our best to do noble (not to be mistaken with ‘nude’) gestures.

# We understand that every woman wants to be appreciated and complimented. That’s why we whistle at them and pass comments. Tch tch. And you thought we were perverts. We are such a misunderstood bunch.

# We are proud of our culture and our scriptures. Especially the Kamasutra. That’s why we are eager to try out as many positions as possible. Getting the girl to agree is difficult, but that doesn’t deter us. Sometimes we just gag and bound the girl, but we take care to use the softest cloth and ropes.

# We do not have Osama bin Laden-types in our country!!! But we do have politicians. No connection though, whatsoever.

# We know our National Anthem by rote. We sang it for 12 years in school during morning assembly. That’s why we don’t bother to stand up when it is played in multiplexes and other functions. We’ve already been there done that.

# We don't believe in interfering in other people's lives. So we don't do anything when something happens to others. We wait for it happen to us. Every dog has a day, after all. That's the right thing to do, isn't it?

You see now, why we love our country and are proud to be an Indian?


  1. We also have awesome bureaucracy. They keep us fit by making us run here and there. I should love this, lool. You speak fluent sarcasm. :D

  2. I guess I can safely say that you specialize in making "lists" of sorts! :-D

    Good one, as is the case always.

    P.S. Like the 'new look' of your blog. You like purple, indeed.

  3. @DawnZhang: I think I've forgotten how to talk normalle. :/

    @Vijitha: Ya, looks like the list-bug has bitten me. Somehow I find it a lot more fun, to write and to read. But I should stop it for a while I think, lest I run the risk of sounding repetetive and boring. :/
    And that I 'like' purple is an understatement. I would marry purple if I could. (That does not mean that I would marry a guy if he's named Purple. Ewwwww! )

  4. Interesting observations !
    People talk about how things are improving in India. But that is again only in the metros. Things haven't changed for the rural folks ... Things are just the way it was 10 years ago ...

  5. this ones so true!! filled with humour...making people think!!! this article really shouts the message "open your eyes India...there are so many things we could do as individuals to make our homeland a better place to live in"

    very well presented.... :) keep blogging :)

  6. @Madhu Nair: Things aren't all that hunky-dory in the urban areas either. Women still get raped in metros like Delhi and Mumbai, people still get murdered, the power (read: politics) goes in the hands of hooligans and gold-diggers. There's an alarming level of indifference creeping in amongst us citizens, I'm afraid...

    @Cindrella: Thank you. If I have indeed made at least one person think that something needs to be done, then I'm happy. Spread the message- How long can we sit back and think, "That's none of our concern. Why bother to do anything?". When things happen, we think "This can't happen to me. This can only happen to others." One fine day, we will be the 'others' for someone else.
    I feel like punching those people who say "Oh, this country! What a sad state!" If you feel so sad about it, why not do something about it?

  7. #ATMs:pls dont spill garbage on a 10x10 room!if the dustbin is full, rip up the slip to bits and make rangolis on the street!makes the ATM look more welcoming!
    #Shit-track:pls understand that the toilet in trains are meant only for couples to fool around and for ladies to do make-up.takin a dump is strictly prohibited as crappin out of a hole on the floor can cause human waste to fall on the tracks and the next little miss chu-chu train will be like "eww poop!im not runnin over that ehh!" so unless u want trains runnin around with tears down their cheeks and washed down mascara marks on their face, i suggest u leave ur intestines at home before u go to the rly stn!
    #queues:guess the kilometres long line of ppl u see across the country during election day dont count. oh i forgot we're the cool gang! fuck voting!
    #population:hmm wonder what sanjay gandhi wldve had to say abt that. e-castration does sound hip!
    #traffic:2 lane road.everybody keeps their sides.we smile at each other.sing songs in unison.make merry all day on the road.who cares about reaching anywhere anyway?!
    #urinals:guys!wtf is wrong with u ppl?!seriously!y do u have to hold a swelled up bladder jst to find a lonely place with a bush big enough to take cover during fire fights?jst answer the f-ing call on the road!and while u are at it jst try making designs with the pee..u know..a little roadside creative!
    #public transport:i think all the bus conductors should be rounded up and shot by firing squads!its coz of their painfully good looks and mesmerizing voices that women pretty much get attracted into buses!dont u see?!, they wld never step foot inside one otherwise!u cheeky bastards!
    #kamasutra:y did we write this anyway?!who wants positions when u have one of our women in bed!indian women are like foreplay superstars!they are so active, almost lumber-like!nothing like an extremely uninterested girl in bed to turn the guy on!
    #politicians:u know wat, kill them!every fuckin one of them!screw democracy!i want my country to be ruled by chimps!panzees for king! hell ya!
    #multiplexes:comfy seat-check,popcorn-check,cola-check..jana gana mana...fuck! attention! crap, i spilled cola all over my trouser and i look like i jst peed my pants!but hey national anthem at a movie hall!naice...mucho patriotic e! "attention all viewers, after the movie we will have the indian army fire 69 rounds into the sky.pls maintain ur right middle finger inside ur mouth at all times during the aforementioned ceremony. thank u"
    #the dog and the day:psst..listen ppl..i guess uve all heard of this news that if u help anyone who'd met with an accident, get to a hospital,u dont have to deal with the police or the enquiry..well its all a big fuckin scam!u see all the hospitals here have been taken over by aliens and theyve spread this false mssg to draw more innocent citizens to their crib so that they can rip out their gonads and make jewelery out of it!pretty bitchin ornament in alien county i hear!i jst hope the guy who took me to the hospital when i got run over, still has his balls intact..wldnt want to live with that kinda guilt all my life!


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