So I have this really bad habit. Whenever things are going smoothly in my life, instead of accepting it gracefully, I start questioning it. “Why is everything going so smoothly? Why are things fine? Shouldn’t something have gone wrong by now?” No, I’m not a pessimist. I’ve just been conditioned by experience. I’ve learnt the hard way that after showering me with truckloads of happiness, the dude up there will most likely dump an equal number of truckloads of crap on me. So it’s not pessimism or cynicism. Just caution.
As a result, I have ended up getting suspicious about even the slightest bit of goodness that comes my way. I went through a difficult break-up a few months back. Difficult is actually an understatement. I managed to come out of it emotionally battered, but alive (and miraculously, without taking to the bottle), mainly because of my family and friends. That’s why I was off the radar for a while back then. I just didn’t have the will to write. I did try writing, but whatever I wrote was too depressing even for me to read. I didn’t want to spread the depression on my blog as well. Instead, I wrote in my diary, cried non-stop for a few weeks, vented out to my friends, and managed to survive.
And then I decided to stop crying and torturing myself. Because I knew that I had given my best to the relationship. I had given it my two hundred percent, and I was ready to give it more. I was in love, after all. I had told my folks about it, they had accepted it. They weren’t ecstatic about it, but had accepted it for my happiness (I have the best family in the world, I tell you). And when it was his turn to convince his family, he couldn’t do it. He tried, I know he did. But I could see that he was tired of fighting. So I decided to end his misery as well as mine, and called it off. I think he was waiting for me to do the same…
So yes, that ended. From thinking “I cannot live without him”, I have reached a point where I actually am living without him. And I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job at it. I saw him a few weeks back, at a function. And I was perfectly fine. I guess, to quote Dumbledore, everything happens ‘for the greater good’.
But yes, I have to admit, this break-up has hardened me, more than the previous one did. I don’t trust anything or anyone on face-value anymore. And I’ve realized something very important- It’s not enough if it just ‘feels’ right. It has to go right too, all the way till the end.
And why am I telling you all this now, you wonder? Because even without knowing me personally, you guys have been a source of constant support. I know that if I had written about this break-up at the time it happened, I would’ve got a flood of comments and emails telling me to hang in there, and that everything will be fine. But I went into a shell. I just didn’t want to talk about it.
Now, something good seems to be coming my way. Like a nice warm cup of coffee on a rainy day, a semblance of order and happiness seems to be brewing its way into my life. But old habits die hard, right? As always, I’m finding it hard to accept it. Because everything seems to be running smoothly, a bit too smoothly. It's overwhelming.
Why the hell is it so hard for me to accept that, yes, maybe I do deserve to be happy, after all?
I need blessings and good wishes of each and every one of you. And I also need you to tell me to stop over-thinking, and just accept things happily. Can you do that much for me?
P.S.1:- If all goes well, you guys will be the first to hear about it.
P.S.2:- Aditi and PeeVee, I cannot thank you guys enough for being there for me during that time. You have no idea how much that helped. I hope I can make it up in some way at some time.
AWW... :| I'm literally out of words... I guess whatever happens.. happens for a reason.. *hug*..ReplyDelete
You needn't say anything. The hug speaks for itself. Thank you. :)Delete
I've been through a similar situation. Not very similar, but similar.ReplyDelete
I know what questioning happiness feels like. We're always hungry for assurances that we know we might never get.
And I agree with "it has to go till the very end"- which, it usually never does, in my case. I voluntarily fall into the unknown now, instead of being pushed into it.
Life is a numpty. My ebullience has returned, so I know that yours will too, eventually.
Mine slowly is returning. :)Delete
In my 4 n a half year old relationship, I AM the person who is not able to convince my parents. Thus going through a difficult time.I can relate your story pretty well Spiff.ReplyDelete
Glad to know things are going smoothly now. Your posts are always a breath of fresh air to me.(I should comment more often though)
As much fun as it is, please stop over-thinking, and develop the super power of accepting things happily :D
Gob bless you!!*hugs*
I shall try my best. :)Delete
And I really hope and pray that things go fine at your end as well. I know how hard it can be.
Somebody very smart once told me when I was going through hell, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Today, a lot of distance (emotional and physical) from that pain has made me feel, what doesn't kill you just leaves you very confused.ReplyDelete
I know when I say this, I mean it. You deserve to be happy. Happiness will find you and force you to accept it. I will then be there to tell you, "What you thought re bhai? I told na you deserved it." :P
:) You're just the cutest. Seriously.Delete
what PS 2 you wrote amma..!!!
didn't expect it coming..mental wuman..
STOP over analysing all that "goodness" dei..
just accept it and keep your mouth shut only i say...
you were meant to get all the bad...and all the good that came after that..
and i guess i have given enough lecture-giri for a lifetime in the past few months...
and yesss...dont ya worry..
we all will wish the best only for you..
next time you tell me..
aiyoo..all gooooodd only happening...how how..why why..?
i will come there and give you
ONE TIGHT SLAP
\m/ \m/ \m/
keep rocking ma..!!
PS-thy vodka treat is pending only.. :|
Ok amma. I won't tell anything. :pDelete
Vodka treat, will happen soon. :)
Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Be it good, or bad. But it does happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason is good, sometimes we are meant to learn a lesson from it.ReplyDelete
You are a tough cookie. I'm sure your folks are proud of you. We all are too.
Caution is good, but please don't take it to the level where even a good thing will seem bad to you.
All the Best love. :)
Yup, whatever happens, happens for a reason. :)Delete
Thank you. :)
Glad to hear that the dark clouds have sailed away and you are back to your usual Grammar Nazi, Vodka Guzzling, Maggi hogging self among other things.ReplyDelete
Proud that you have Chinned up and marched on. Takes a lot to do that.
Aye!! I don't 'guzzle' vodka anymore. Promise. :/Delete
I want to offer you this to read if time permits... it was written at a time when i was going through the same hell you're going through today. I know how bad it feels and how I rallied through because of online bloggers I never met who were there without ever knowing it.
Thank you for that. I have read that before, anyhow. I happen to be a fan, you see. :)Delete
Im just gonna say....ReplyDelete
"Sometimes you are delayed where you are because SOMEONE knows thers a storm where you're headed!!" BE GRATEFUL! :)
I am grateful, for a lot of things. And yes, the storm has abated. I can see a glimpse of the clear blue sky now. :)Delete
Are we all good now?ReplyDelete
I hope you're doing well, now. Personally, I think once one makes his mind, then he can move on easily. But then, I think a lot of things, so you can ignore that.
Everything happens for the greater good, true. I believe that. I know, this thing went wrong coz something better will come your way. Dude, that is the general funda. That's how it rolls, no?
And till the time something better comes, shouldn't you be on a roll, missy? :D
Take care, yaar! *hugs*
We are almost good now. :)Delete
And yes, I'm rolling only fulltoo! :D
all the best, Spiffy! be positive..happy things will happen :-)ReplyDelete
Thanks babe. :)Delete
Convincing the parents, huh!! My parents are the greatest too and would accept anyone for my happiness. So, I was so tensed when he broke it out to his parents. Considering we are family relatives we expected a lot of drama and tears. But there were none. At times the unexpected happens. But yeah, consent from both families is the most important thing in a relationship, else it doesn't feels right.ReplyDelete
I'm proud of you, the way you handled it. Wish I had met you 3 years ago while I was drowning myself in a bottle(s) and spreading depression all over my blog. Looking back I feel like deleting my entire blog. You did the perfect right thing. Hats Off.
They say everything happens for a reason. But I try to make sense of whatever happens. That's the best way to live life.
God bless you Spiff and trust me everything will turn out greatly good :)
I see you, and how happy you are now, I get hopeful again. You've been through crap, and managed to get out of it alive. So I know that it's not entirely impossible. I just have to wait it out, right? :)Delete
And I didn't want to drown myself in alcohol because then there would be no differece between me and all those men who take a break-up as an excuse to drink all they want, and then blame it on a girl. Instead, I ate. And became fat. But I don't regret eating.
I dont know what to say. I will blame conditioning, that nothing really happens for good for good people. In reality, a lot of good stuff happens for everyone. Will write later to you.ReplyDelete
Everything will return to normalcy. It has to.
To be honest, the conversation we had a few days back is what partly prompted me to pen this down. So I have you to thank for it :)Delete
I tend to do that too.I can't help but feel something has to be wrong when things are going too smooth.I have been trying to figure out a perfect fitting word to describe the condition(?).Hopefully there is a cure for it!ReplyDelete
My world, my thoughts, my musings...
There is no sure-shot cure for it, babes. It's all in our own hands, trust me. I'm trying hard, and I think I'm getting the hang of it finally. I'm sure you will too. :)Delete
Stop questioning and start living.. :) I know sometimes we end up getting hardened by the situations but as you said, this all must be for some greater good. So welcome it when it is coming your way.ReplyDelete
I'm trying my best. :)Delete
All my love, good wishes and prayers are with you. Hope the ray of sunshine you have now turns into a great force of happiness that floods your life for years to come. :) Glad to know you are feeling better now. Acceptance is, indeed, the first step to happiness.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Sumi, for the wishes. :)Delete
Oh that's an unexpected post. I am glad you are getting over the bad phase and I hope your fears don't come in the way of enjoying the good things coming your way. You have identified the problem, so it shouldn't be hard to tackle it now :) All the best!ReplyDelete
Life, it is! Whatever it does, it does for our good or bad but definately teaches us how to live. And why is it you take all bad and no good? Come on girl, this is the time to face it! :)ReplyDelete
Yup, it definitely does teach us how to live. :)Delete
I'm slowly learning the art of accepting the good as well. :)
Wow..very good post..Haven't seen many people expressing themselves so well...ReplyDelete
Thank you, Vivek. :)Delete
Was out of blogging space for a while. So hadn't read this until now. Don't be like the kitten that drank hot milk by mistake. all milk is not hot.. :) Some of it is really good... and my best wishes to you to get somebody who is perfect in every way for you..ReplyDelete
Thank you, Sunitha. :)Delete
hey and btw , hugely due to your inspiration , I wrote the second part of my Pennukaanal saaga.. :). Do check it out hereDelete
Sorry to hear about your break up. Honestly, 2012 is a shitty year! Missed you around here. I totally get the cynicism when things go well and you start to question that too...I think I've become like that. Or if they go well, I know the crap is just around the corner.ReplyDelete
I know, right. We've just become so hardened... But chin-up, PB. Things will get better. :)Delete
I am glad you are past that phase now. And take it easy, after all that happened, He, up above definitely feels you deserve a smooth ride. Enjoy it. A huge hug to you. Smile. :)ReplyDelete
*hugs right back*Delete
Thanks sweetie. :)
Some one said the Consequences of what we do comes to us as we do..U Choice had some consequences and you have to face it....don't worry time will cure all things as it comes..good luck and happyReplyDelete
Everything passes, SS, that is the rule. i think you are dividing ur life into two - good n bad but you got to realize that a day is made of morning and night... we dont complain about day when its night. neither do we complain about night when its day... the way we take each day in our stride, you have to take the life's lemons and sugar and enjoy the lemonade.ReplyDelete
and most importantly, enjoy one moment at a time, without thinking what will come next, good or bad. Take one bit by one bit and sail through thinking you deserve every thing that is happening to u and that each lesson is required to make a better, stronger YOU. Value yourself enough to know that your happiness us your choice. waiting to hear the ps1 to get true soon... amen.
Am glad that whatever it was, you are out of it as a single piece and a better person Spiff. Apologies for not being able to be there for you and your blog, but as you know was busy handling my messy life and relocating and stuff. Wishing you a glorious come-back sweety :)ReplyDelete
Hello. I read your post when I was peeking out of my shell to take a breath of fresh air. I at this moment do not believe that whatever happens is for greater good. For instance, a 4 year old being raped- what is the greater good here??? Housewife burnt for dowry- what is the greater good??? You will have your own list of such instances by now.ReplyDelete
I am not trying to bring your spirits down. I just wanted to say that it is up to us to shape this rough time in our lives in such a way that in future it will seem to have been happened for greater good.
Being cautious, expecting for hell to break loose at anytime is good – “Zor ka jhatka dheere se lagenge”. But I hope and believe that you are prudent enough to keep it just as a thought at the back of your head and that it won’t stop you from savoring every happy moment in life.
I could be wrong but all the same I wanted to let you know my thoughts about this. And I also wanted to let you know that you are blessed to have trusted shoulders to lean on during tough times. And THAT is always for the good :D
Blessings and good wishes to you..... stop over-thinking..... and just accept things happily......ReplyDelete
Spiff, wake up!!! The good times are over.. but the greater times have started.. he, unfortunately, could not make it but you've got premiere seats.. so, buckle up n enjoy the ride, Spiff!!!
the best times, they are here... :)