Wedding Gifts- The Essential Do's and Don't's list

I just got back to Chennai on Sunday after a short visit home. Some of my stuff was still lying at home, and mom wanted me to de-clutter her house (sigh…). But that was not the only agenda. One of my best friends, Nisha, had a baby recently. I was dying to see (and hold, of course) the little munchkin. Both Mommy and Baby Aryan are doing fine.  J Meera flew to the US today, and she’ll be gone for a while. So I had to meet her too. I managed to catch up on two Malayalam movies while there. “Annayum Rasoolum” had great potential to be a good movie, but the dragging narrative and length (three hours) were a major put-off. It was taken in an Adoor style, so most of the movie was silent. The heroine (Andrea Jeremiah’s Malayalam debut) had all of about five dialogues in the entire three-hour movie, Fahad Fasil is just getting better and better with every new film. It’s a clutter-breaking attempt, nevertheless. “Da Thadiya” was a fun watch. Entertaining and paisa-vasool. Oh by the way, Trivandrumites (who are not based in Trivandrum currently), did you know that a ticket at Kalabhavan now is Rs.100?! :O   In Trivandrum! A movie-ticket for 100 bucks! Kaalam povunna pokke… But in their defense, the theatre now has a multiplex-ish look.

But the main agenda for the visit was to sort through the gargantuan pile of wedding gifts that had reduced my room to resembling the store-room of a departmental store. Since we left for Goa right after the reception, and from there to Chennai, I didn’t get a chance to look through the gifts and check what I might want to take with me to Chennai. But Amma and Acha had already gone through them and made an inventory of sorts too (super-efficient parents I have, totally).

I thought they were exaggerating when they told me that we had got a HUGE number of gifts. Only when I saw my room did I realize how true they had been. There were boxes behind the bed, under the bed, on the stool, under the stool, under the computer table, inside shelves. Some had even been kept away in the balcony. And to think that Acha and Amma were just about heaving a sigh of relief at having finally cleared away the collection from Chechi’s wedding (which was four years back, by the way!). I went through the entire pile and picked out a few of the items to take back with me to Chennai. Did that clear up the clutter? Turns out, I had packed merely ten percent of the entire collection. :/ The rest of the stuff, I’ll probably have to get it couriered to Chennai, or my folks can give them away as wedding gifts to others.

But going through the gifts was quite a tiresome job, let me tell you. If you’ve been married, you’ll know that. Tiresome not because of the sheer number, but because of the sheer stupidity in front of you, wrapped in colourful wrapping-paper. Why am I being so ungrateful, you ask? Let me explain why, in the form of a “Do’s and Don’t’s” (Also, I haven’t made one of my lists in a long, long time).

a) If it’s not too much trouble, find out where the newly-marrieds are going to be based after the wedding. If they’re going to be anywhere other than the city where the wedding/reception was held, then kindly do not give any huge gifts that will require a mini-lorry to transport it. I mean, why in the world would I want to carry a giant casserole that can fill enough food to feed the half of Chennai?! Forget why. HOW! How in the world am I supposed to transport it?

b) Give a little bit of thought into buying the gift. I’m sure this is probably the fifth wedding that you’ve had to attend this month and you’re just about tired of thinking of what to buy. But here’s the thing. For me, this is my FIRST and only (yes, I’m pretty sure of it.. I think so) wedding. And I’m not going to get another chance to get a haul like this again (Yup, I’m totally aware of how shallow that sounded). So PLEASE, kindly, put some thought into buying the gift. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive. Trust me, even 100 bucks in an envelope is more useful than that eyesore of a lemon set (for the uninitiated, a lemon set consists of six glasses and a matching jug, more often than not in tacky designs and colours).

c) Try to give something different. You really think no one else would have come up with the brainwave of giving a set of casseroles or coffee mugs? It’s not because we want something different. It’s just that we get stuck with multiple sets of the same damn thing, and we don’t know what to do with them! Give a pack of condoms, if you can’t think of anything else! (Nope, no one gave us that. Hmph).

d) For heaven’s sake, please write your name SOMEWHERE while giving the gift. We smile at and accept gifts from roughly 800 guests at the wedding. After a point of time, it’s just faces, one after the other. So among all this, how do you think we’re going to remember what gift you gave, if you don’t write your name on it? If you don’t want us to know, then that’s a different story. But don’t you think we would want to know who the anonymous well-wisher is, who gave us 1000 bucks?   

Another reason why writing your name is important: There are 90% chances that your gift might get rewrapped very soon and be given to someone else. Writing your name ensures that you don’t end up getting your same gift back. Also, if you’ve given something really nice, but haven’t written your name, and it’s time for us to return the favour at some occasion, then we might just end up giving you something that’s worth a lot less than what you spent on us. Then you’ll be all “Hmph, what people yaar. We gave them a La Opala coffee set. They only gave us a Yera set. How mean.”You get what I’m trying to say?

e) If you really can’t think of what to give, then don’t give anything at all. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine. The line at the very bottom of the invitation card “Presents in blessings only” was not put there as a formality. It was put there for a reason. But no one takes that seriously. According to my dad, people get offended if we include that line in the card, and don’t turn up for the wedding at all, because they don’t like to come empty-handed. So he decided not to include that in my invitation card.

f)       f) If the bride or the groom is someone you’re close to, ask them what they want as a gift. I shamelessly told my friends that I want a hard disk, so they gave me the cash for that. To some others, I asked for bed-sheets, so I got some beautiful bed-sheet sets. To another friend, I told her to get me online shopping vouchers, so that I could get to Chennai and then buy whatever I wanted and it could be shipped there directly.

      g) Give gift vouvhers. They’re easy, convenient, and useful.

      h) Give cash.

      i) Give cash.

      j) Give cash.

            k)  And because I can’t stress enough on it, give cash. Even if it just a 100 bucks.

Änd to all those who’re by now thinking “Why so much tension? We’ll just write off ‘Kindly avoid presents’ in the invitation card. That’ll take care of the problem, no?”- Sure, go ahead. Let me know how that worked out for you, ok? Because we Indians are experts at ignoring instructions. “Kindly avoid gifts” is a popularly ignored request, along with “Please flush the toilet after use”, “Please use the dustbin to throw garbage”, “Do not spit on the walls” etc.

Do you have anything more to add to this list?       

P.S:- Aditi and Sid, I do not include your gift among any of the above-mentioned. I absolutely loved it, and look forward to using them ASAP. :) 

         

Spaceman Spiff adds a life event to her timeline

Married.

M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

That’s right. I’m married.

Like, for real.

I’m sorry, but it’s gonna take some time for the mammoth fact to sink in. So till then, you might have to put up with me saying ‘I’m married’ at the most unexpected intervals.

So that’s what’s been happening, folks! The wedding was on the 10^th of December, a reception the same day evening at Palakkad, and a reception in Trivandrum on 14^th. The reception is TVM was so much fun, with dancing and all that. The wedding as such went off without any major disasters, and I behaved as well as I possibly could. Although, my aunt was heard complaining that ‘the bride’ wasn’t showing even a tinge of shyness or nervousness. Not even for courtesy sake. I was probably the one laughing and talking the loudest.   

After a week of wedding madness, we took off to Goa. And Goa was just fab! We spent three days in North Goa and two days in South Goa. Went for water sports and parasailing (second time this year. Ain’t that cool! J ), stuffed our faces with all kinds of seafood, drank ourselves silly, and generally chilled out. Palolem beach in South Goa was just beautiful. If ever you plan a trip to Goa, do visit Palolem. It’s a lot more beautiful and peaceful than the crowded beaches of North Goa.

As I write this, I’m sitting at Bangalore airport, waiting to catch my connecting flight to Coimbatore, from where we’ll to go to Palakkad. I look around me at the waiting lounge and I see a lot of strangers. And then I look next to me, and see this guy, with his nose buried in a book, who was a stranger to me till a few months back, but has somehow become the reason for my happiness right now. I don’t even know if I can call it happiness. I am...at peace. Maybe it’s him. Maybe it’s Goa. Maybe it’s just God letting me know that he’s out there, looking out for me. 

I’ll be off to Chennai next week. Brand new city, brand new husband, brand new life. I’ll keep you guys posted about how marriage is treating me. Wish me luck, ok? J Because I need lots of it.

Fuck!! I’m married!! :O

Clutch evide? Brake evide?!

Before you read the post, please watch the video.

Watched? If you’re a Malayali, then you probably know this scene frame-by-frame and know the dialogues by heart. If you’re a Malayali but don’t know this scene, shame on you. Go hide under a rock or something.

For the non-Mallus, this is an epic scene from the Malayalam movie Thalayanamanthram, written by a genius named Sreenivasan. He is one of the most brilliant writers of Malayalam- nay, Indian cinema. He is one of the ugliest actors ever, and his genius lies in the fact that he makes fun of himself in his own movies at every given chance. The guy behind the wheel, trying to drive the car, is Sreenivasan.  

Let me give a quick summary of the scene, for those who couldn’t understand it. Sreenivasan is trying to learn how to drive a car, Mammukoya (the other actor)is trying to teach him. Sreenivasan doesn’t know the clutch from the brake, and keeps asking where one or the other is. “Clutch evide?! Brake evide?!” (Where is the clutch? Where is the brake?!) has become an  epic dialogue in Malayalam cinema, oft quoted by Malayalis whenever such a driving situation arises.  

Now imagine, in place of Sreenivasan, Yours Truly. Thankfully I know where the clutch and brake are. But the rest of the situation is pretty much the same. Oh, and I haven't gone and rammed into a wall. Yet. *gulps*

Am I learning driving, you ask? No no. of course not. That I learnt in 2007. Got my license too. Only, the license has been serving the purpose of an ID card more than anything else. You see, after I learnt driving in 2007 and got my license (which was a major hurdle in itself. I had to take the test twice to pass it. I got the H correct the first time, but failed the road test because I forgot to put my hand out and give the hand-signals. The two-wheeler test, I passed only on my third attempt. What can I say; 8 is just too hard a number.), I moved to Hyderabad. I had absolutely no practice at all, and lost complete touch. Acha never gave me the car whenever I came down to TVM (in his own words “You can take the car out if it is a bandh day” L ), and I wasn’t very interested in it anyways. I was happy sitting back and watching the traffic go by, while someone else drove me around. Plus, traffic- especially buses- scares the living daylights out of me.  

So why am I saying all this now? Because I have started going for driving practice classes. And I realized that I had underestimated myself. I am much MUCH worse than I had thought I was! Right from pressing both clutch and accelerator together and causing the car to do nothing much other than make racing noises, to forgetting to step on the brake while passing over a speed-breaker, it’s one big mess. The only thing I’m good at is holding on to the steering wheel for dear life.

My “Thalayanamanthram” moment was when the instructor told me to change the gear, and I asked her “What gear? Which gear?” because I had forgotten what gear I had put it on previously. L The driving-class-car already has a pretty rattled up gear-box, not to mention the CBA’s, which need to be pushed down with a bulldozer. Instead of changing it to first from second, I end up putting it in third gear. And put it in fourth when I'm told to put it in reverse. Add to this a mess of a driver like me, and there you have it- a catastrophe on wheels. Thankfully, they have an extra set of controls on the instructor’s side.

But S promised me that if I learn how to drive, we can go on many road trips. That’s the only reason I’m doing this. God save him and his Figo.

You know that bike-tyre ad with the tagline “The roads are full of idiots”? Sigh… I couldn't agree more.

Love,

One of those idiots.     

All that glitters is too much gold!

I’m alive, very much, in case you were wondering.

An anxious comment by a kind reader the other day, asking for my whereabouts, reminded me that I have a blog where I haven’t posted anything for quite a while (Thanks, Asok, for the concern). Alright, I’m lying. I didn't exactly forget about my blog. I've just been a bit caught up with various things, mostly wedding-y stuff. Plus, I honestly wasn't able to write anything good enough to post here.

 So what have I been up to? Let’s see…

Quit my job. Packed up five fabulous years of my life into bags & boxes and said adieu to Hyderabad (grudgingly), reached Trivandrum, went to Chennai for a quick three-day shopping trip, picked up saris, came back to TVM, bought a bit of gold, etc etc etc.

All of which has strengthened my belief in one thing- weddings are such an utter waste of money!!!

I mean, what a waste! Before we left for Chennai, I had told Acha and Amma that I will not be buying a very expensive sari, even if I have to say a firm no to my in-laws (I can’t snap at them like I snap at my parents, right? Nope. Too early to show them my true Mahakali colours), who’d accompanied us too. I don’t mean to sound like a snobbish bride, but I don’t see any reason why I should buy a sari worth one lakh rupees (yes, I did see saris I that range. And there were girls trying them too), when a sari worth Rs.5000 will look equally pretty. So when I was choosing my saris, the question that I asked myself was “Will I ever wear this again?”, as opposed to the more commonly asked “Is this gaudy enough? Will it make me look like a festival elephant?”. Thankfully, I didn’t have to fight too much of a battle over this. I think I must thank the mind-boggling crowd in the stores for this. We were so bloody sick of the rush, we just wanted to wind up and get the hell out of there as quickly as ‘wedding-shopping-ly’ possible. I picked up moderately priced, gorgeous silk saris that I can wear again after the wedding.

Next came the bigger battle- buying gold. I’m not a fan of the yellow metal. And you know how Malayalis are about gold, right? Unless they wear it like an armour, they’re not satisfied. I would rather be dead than wear that armour. So before setting out to buy gold today, I had very clearly and politely told my folks not to buy too much, because there was no chance that I was going to wear more than four chains (which itself is too much!). Also, the price of gold is obscenely high now. But the insane crowd at the jewelry store would have us believe that gold is even cheaper than green chillies. It was mad! Anyway, I picked up a couple of antique gold pieces, which doesn't have that ugly sheen of the normal gold. But the downside of buying antique gold is that it’s almost double the price. Sigh…

But the waste of money doesn't end with the saris and the gold. There’s so much more to be done, so much more money that is going to be spent on it all. But each time I protest, I’m silenced with a “You don’t bother about the money” by Acha. Also a “You can’t always have your way” by Amma. They don’t understand that it’s not about getting my way. Imagine how many trips I could’ve gone to with that money. Think of how many children could’ve been educated with that money. But it doesn’t work that way, I’ve come to realize. This thing called wedding, it’s something that parents dream of probably since the day their daughters are born. And when it’s a dream that’s as long-cherished as that, they won’t let anything get in the way of it. Not even adamant daughters or Burj Khalifa-high gold rate.

You know what? I’m definitely going to encourage my kids to elope.

The bumpy ride called marriage

You know how I’m getting married in December and all that jazz, right?

Ever since it all got finalized, I’ve had this niggling feeling at the back of my mind, whether everything will be fine or not. It is but natural, considering I’m a constant worrier. Would we get along well? Will we be able to co-exist peacefully?

I mean, we ARE quite different.

Me- loud : He- comparatively quiet.
Me- drama queen : He- level-headed.
Me- Starts dancing even in autos to Himesh Reshammiya songs (I’m NOT proud of it): He- has two left feet,
Me- follows Bollywood and actually READS Filmfare and doesn’t buy it just to look at the pictures : He- doesn’t watch movies at all that much.
Me- lazybones: He- quite the fitness freak.
Me- LOVES her weekends and staunchly believes in “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want": He: can’t sit still even on weekends.
Me- can’t stand others’ mess: he- is quite good at messing up the place.
Me- to whom people say “Oh god, stop laughing so loud! People are looking!”: He- should definitely laugh more often. He likes his brooding persona way too much.
Me- does things like calling up someone on their birthday ten times during the day and simply wishing them, quotes dialogues from Malayalam movies a bit too often, sings “Sutta na mila” along with the MC-BC lyrics loudly while riding pillion on someone’s bike, etc.: He- has his quirks but doesn’t display them so blatantly to the rest of the world.

I think I should end the list here before I freak myself out completely.

So yes, these small things have been at the back of my mind. I mean, I’m happy with him and all that, which is why I said yes in the first place, but you know… you know? Then I thought, “What’s the fun if two people are exactly of the same personality? They should complement each other, right?”

It’s with this khichdi in my head that I started reading Yashodhara Lal’s “Just married, Please Excuse”. And Ma’m, may I just say, Thank. You. So. Much.



Just Married… is the (true) story of Yashodhara and Vijay, two very different people who fall in love and get married. She’s a city girl from Delhi, he’s from small town Jaipur. She loves non-veg, he’s a Brahmin who eats only chicken nuggets and eggs. She’s quite the firebrand, he’s slightly less of a firebrand. They both have an opinion on every single thing, and more often than not, the opinions differ.

Yashodhara takes us on a trip through their marriage, right from where he proposes (not exactly the most romantic proposal) to where they’re struggling with being first-time parents. The book is filled with vignettes from their lives that are so funny, I was laughing uproariously through most of it. A first date watching ducks and fishing, the seemingly unending search for a bright-blue sofa that doesn't sweat and in the process, making life hell for the salespersons, likening Vijay in his wedding attire to a giant tube of Colgate toothpaste are some of the hilarous one. And the beauty of it is that it is all so real (or at least I’m assuming it is). The problems that they face are common ones that probably every married couple goes through. The characters are people you and I can relate to (Dear Yashodara, what I could relate to the most about you was your sarcasm).

It’s a very unpretentious book. There aren’t fancy-sounding words or long-winding sentences that'll stop making sense halfway through. The author doesn’t try to paint any rosy pictures about marriage. She tells it like it is, without giving any unnecessary gyaan. She just narrates their story, and leaves it to us to derive lessons from it.

And what’s the lesson that I’ve learnt? That it’s not impossible. You can be as different as chalk and cheese, but can still make the marriage work. All it takes is a LOT of effort and a few sessions with a psycho marriage counselor who’ll make you realize that marriage isn’t one of those things that can be repaired in ’12 steps’. It’s entirely up to the husband and the wife to make it work. If both of them want to hang on to each other come what may, then they’ll find a way to make it happen. It’s about accepting and embracing each other’s differences and loving them for it. Don’t let ego ruin the relationship, and be willing to make small little adjustments that’ll ultimately make things a whole lot better for both of you. Oh and love and all that jazz too (I won’t comment woo much about this one).

So what if Yashodhara didn’t give gyaan. I never said I won’t.

The book has a lot of heart. It is deliciously sarcastic, funny, witty, humorous, and any other synonym you can think of for the same. If you pass it off thinking it's just another run-of-the-mill Indian author trying to ply her IIM story or as a chicklit, then you're missing out on a truly good book. It’s one of those books that, when you finish reading it, wish there was more of. The book has made me hopeful that S & I will be just fine, as long as we both really want to make it work. Thank you for that, Mrs. Yashodhara Lal. You have earned yourself a fan.