The Truth About Sex

*The post is liberally peppered with the word "sex". So don't even go past this line if you're squeamish about it. I don't want to get any comments saying that you found this crass and gross*

Our primary source of knowledge about sex is more often than not from movies, books, television, etc. Right? We’ve all eagerly waited for our parents to go to bed so that we watch some “late night HBO-type fun” (those who have watched ‘The President is Coming’ will get this). Another source, of course, is porn. But that’s a whole different point of view.

We tend to form our opinions (not to mention expectations)about sex from whatever we see in all these movies and read about in Mills & Boons and Jackie Collins novels at a young impressionable age. That boys and girls form different opinions about it is another matter altogether.

I can’t speak for men, but as a woman, I have realised by now that we should simply not believe what we watch and read about sex. It might just lead to a whole lot of disappointment when you actually do start having sex. I won’t say I was disappointed, but it did bust a few popular notions. So here you go, a list of thing I feel popular culture tends to lie to you or build stereotypes in your mind about sex. All the virgins out there, take notes. All the non-virgins, help me out, ok?

1)      White bedsheets.

You know what I’m talking about, right? 90 percent of the sex scenes I have seen have couples wrapped tightly in pristine, pure white bedsheets, much like how you swaddle new born babies (apologies for that disturbing parallel). Here’s the truth. Nobody has sex wrapped in bedsheets, let alone white ones. Unless you want your limbs to get entangled in them at the most crucial moments. And the white sheets remind me of hospitals more than anything. Besides, the feel of skin on skin is so much better than the feel of bedsheet on bedsheet (that doesn’t even sound sexy)

2)      People have this notion, owing mainly to films, that sex is purely a nocturnal activity. My friends have stopped calling me past 11 at night now. Even if they call, they hang up quickly. Why? Because they don’t want to be the reason to delay any ‘activities’. Or if I don’t pick up the call, they just assume that it’s because I’m busy *nudge nudge wink wink*.

What makes you think I have sex only at night? Or that night is the only time I have sex? Sex needn’t always happen only at night. It can very well happen in the morning, afternoon, or evening. Or all of these times, if you’re up for it! Sure, it’s a lot more convenient at night, because you’re not in a hurry to get ready and rush to work. But you needn’t necessarily have the energy for it at night either, right? And believe me,  if you’re in the mood for it, it won't even matter what time of the day it is,.

3)      Movies and TV shows (Read- Sex and the city) show the woman having screaming orgasms during sex. Naturally, I was under the impression that orgasms are a given, that it’ll just happen. So imagine my consternation when I discovered that orgasms are not as easy as they show it to be. Oh not for the men, though. It’s pretty easy for them. But for the women..phew, is it a lot of work or what! I’m not saying it’ll never happen. But don’t count on having one every time. Don’t get hung up about it. Because the point of sex is not the orgasm. If you keep obsessing about reaching a climax, you’ll simply not enjoy the rest of the act. And it’s no fault of the man, really (well, sometimes it is). That’s just how the female anatomy is.

      But when the orgasms do happen? Yes, they’re every bit as amazing as they describe it in movies and books. That, alone, is not a myth. ;)

4)      You need not look like a hero or a supermodel to enjoy sex. The heroine in the movie has flat abs because she gets paid to look beautiful. But you have no such obligation. Trust me, the guy does not care if there’s a tyre around your tummy and the girl doesn’t care if you don’t have six pack abs. I personally feel, out of experience, that good-looking people, or people who think they are good-looking, are not all that great in bed. Those chiseled abs may help in turning you on, but when he’s just lying there on his back, as though he’s doing you a favour, expecting you to do all the work, it’s not much of a turn-on anymore.

So stop being conscious about your body.

5)      Ladies, it’s ok to enjoy sex, and be open about it. You don’t need to be so shy, batting eyelashes and blushing when a man touches you. I know it’s a deeply emotional thing for us, but it’s ok to let go. In fact, from what I’ve gathered, men like it when the woman is a lot more proactive. So shed those inhibitions and start enjoying sex. It’s not a sin. And don’t expect the man to do all the work. Not only is it unfair, it’ll also make sex boring.

6)      The girl is sitting on the bed, bedecked in bridal finery, waiting for her brand new husband to come into the room. He comes in, sits next to her, gently lifts her face, he says something corny, she blushes, and they fall to the side, scene blurs. The quintessential suhaag raat scene (for the south Indians, imagine the scene play out with the groom in mundu and the bride with a glass of milk in her hand).

When did the wedding day become all about the first night? What about the rest of the day? The fact that the boy and girl are entering a new phase in their lives? All of that loses importance in the face of the fact that they’ll be getting laid that night (for many them, it would be the first time). For the unmarried ones out there, it’s not mandatory that you have to have sex on your so-called first night! That’s bullshit! Think of it from a practical point of view. You’ll probably be up from about 4 am that day, standing on your feel all day, smiling at thousands of people. How in the world do you expect to enjoy sex when you’re so bloody tired?! Relax. It’s not mandatory. You don’t have to have sex if you’re not ready for it just to prove anything to anybody. Do  it when you’re in a more relaxed state of mind, after all the wedding madness has ebbed.

Of course, this is a completely personal choice. All I’m saying is, don’t get tensed about it. you have the rest of your lives to have sex. It’s ok if you don’t do it on the very first night. There are people who do it on the wedding night itself, and I really admire their patience. I, for one, got a wonderful foot massage on my wedding night. Right then, I knew I’d married the right guy.

Also, the chances of a woman getting pregnant after having sex just once are very less. Unless they're an incredibly fertile couple. 

7)      Stop associating sex with marriage. Period.

So what do you think? Am I being silly here?

Spaceman Spiff is lost

I’m not writing much lately. What I am doing, though, is complaining about it a lot. It’s not even writer’s block. It’s an insult to genuine writers if I call it that. Maybe it’s because of my job. It is so mindnumbingly boring that I can actually feel my brain cells dying, one by one. All I do is copy-paste and fill in mindless spreadsheets with data I care two hoots about. That’s eight and a half hours of my life that I’m never getting back, everyday.

If I dig some more, I could come up with more reasons as to why I don’t write anymore. But I know as well as anyone that those are just excuses. Excuses like lack of time, fatigue, caught up in the drudgery of household chores- but it’s more than that. I don’t know what it is. My blogger friends ask me why I haven’t updated my blog in so long, and I have no answer. Even my mom and dad have started asking me why I don’t write anymore.

It’s not like I don’t write at all. I do. I scribble in my diary sometimes, a few lines here and there. But I think more than not being able to write, I think I have lost confidence in my writing. I start writing a post, and halfway through, I decide that it’s not good enough. And I give it up. Just like that. In fact, when I started typing this post too, I was pretty sure I’ll write a paragraph and then abandon it after that. How could I give up so easily? How could I give up on something that is the very core of me, the thing that defines me, gives meaning to my life?

Maybe I’ve lost it.

There. I’ve said it. It’s out in the open. And now that I’ve actually physically typed it out, maybe I can start to deal with it.

Of ghisi-piti jawaanis and some good news.

Reportedly, before she signed on the dotted line for Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, Deepika Padukone made a deal with director Ayan Mukherji. “I will wear spectacles in the first half of the movie, if you let me wear short dresses, shorter skirts, shorts and bikini tops throughout the film.”

“But the major part of the first half is going to be based in Manali! How can you be wearing shorts and short skirts there? Especially during the treks on the snow-capped mountains. It’s supposed to be cold in Manali, you know.” Ayan Mukherji tried to reason with her.

“I don’t care. I will not wear anything that covers my legs. That’s it. The audience is stupid anyways. They won’t notice. Also, if my character has to undergo a transformation from geek to cool, then you have to get rid of the glasses. Because, you know, people who wear spectacles are dorks.”

“Alright alright. You can have whatever you want. Jeez, the things I have to do to draw crowd to the theatre when I don’t have a good enough story to do that for me.”

Ok fine. I just made all that up. But I really can’t think of a better reason why Deepika Padukone is prancing about in Manali wearing tiny little skirts and shorts and dresses. Not just her, the rest of the ladies, except Kalki, are also similarly dressed.

YJHD is basically a cocktail of many Bollywood films’ themes and concepts that have been doing the rounds for so long that it’s just not appealing anymore. The timid and shy girl who wants to break free from the rules that bind her (Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge), a group of friends going on a trip that leads to a whole lot of self-discovery and other inspiring stuff (Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara), the boy and the girl deciding not to be together because they have different dreams and different goals (Love Aaj Kal), the boy finally realising that he can’t live without the girl even if it means letting go of his dream (a whole lot of movies).

My problem with the movie is not so much the story but the jaded clichés. FYI, not all medical students are geeks. Not all of them wear spectacles and walk around with a book in their hand all the time (I’m not kidding. Deepika Padukone walks around with her textbook in her hand while pushing her shopping cart in a supermarket. Dood. Seriously?). And not everyone who wears spectacles are uncool. As a chashmish myself, I take offense to that. First there were fairness cream ads telling me that my life is doomed because I’m dark. And now there are films telling me I’m dorky because I wear spectacles? Can’t I catch a break?!

Most of the comedy in the movie seems forced. For example, that scene in Manali where they get into a spat with some hatta-katta gunda-types tourists. The sequence that follows is such a cliché that even your laughter is forced after a point. Hint: the scene is clearly inspired by many scenes from Barfi, which in turn was inspired by Charlie Chaplin. The cinematography of the film is awesome, and so is the acting by Ranbir and Kalki. I have always found Deepika to be even more expressionless than a block of wood, so let me not say anything more about her. ARK is decent, he could’ve done better if his character had a bit more depth. The film drags unnecessarily. At a day and age where most movies don’t go beyond 2 hours, it’s tedious to watch so much of drama for close to three hours. If only the film was as short as Deepika's clothes. I expected a better fare from the man who gave us the adorable and refreshing Wake Up Sid.

The other problem I had with the film? Ranbir Kapoor’s character dreams of travelling the world, of never being tied down in marriage, of being free always. Where did all those dreams vanish, when he met the new, cool Deepika? Was it the fact that she had ditched her spectacles that made her more appealing? Or her gravity-defying bikini tops? (Deepika’s lower half is on display during the first half of the movie, and her upper half is on display during the second half. There is no simpler way to summarize this movie).

Ok, so people have dreams. And sometimes, when they meet the love of their lives, they are willing to trade their dreams, the ones that they have been nurturing for the longest time, for a lifetime of love and companionship. Right? Because what can be better than being with the person you love for the rest of your life.  

Bullshit. 

I have learnt it the hard way, out of personal experience, that you should never stand in the way of somebody else’s dreams. You can be supportive all you want, you can put up with all the mood swings that comes with being a dreamer, you can bend over backwards trying to be understanding and patient, but at the end of the day, you will always be that one factor that’s standing in the way of that person achieving his dream. You may have fallen in love with that passion, that drive, that determination, everything. But those very factors will soon seem too much to handle. When someone is forced to let go of his dreams because someone is expecting him to ‘settle down’, it will only lead to resentment. Even if he does it voluntarily, sooner or later, he will regret it. It may not be an immediate thing. It’s a gradual process. One that slowly eats away at all the love that was there between the two of you. Until finally, all that’s left is a lot of blaming. “I gave up everything for you. What more do you want from me?” So no, Ranbir, I don’t buy into that logic. You have a dream, go chase it. Go live it. Don’t give it up for anybody or anything. Especially not for a person who is not willing to even leave her city because her clinic and her parents are there. (Yup, believe it or not, that’s the reason she gives). You both will be happy for a while, but soon, the wanderlust will creep in, and when she doesn’t let go of you, the resentment will creep in.

Oh well. Maybe there’ll be a sequel to the movie. Ye Jawaani Hai Ghisi-piti.

***

On a happier and lesser cynical note, I’m happy to inform you guys that my blog was featured in the directory of India’s best blogs, 2012-13 edition. Yay. J To be honest, I’m a little confused at to why. I hardly even write these days. I was pleasantly surprised.

Soumya too considered me worthy of a Creative Blogger Award. Thank you, Soumya. I shall be doing the post soon. :)

And yes. I finally got a job. J I’m jobless no more.

The dance show was awesome. I did a Bollywood (but of course!) and a cha cha number.

And! It finally rained in Chennai. J 

But I'm not getting too excited because, you know, this is Chennai. Kya pata, ye baarish kal ho na ho.

Life, as of now, is good. *touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood touchwoodtouchwood*

P,S. For some reason, I'm not able to make changes to my blog layout, to add the award label. When I click on the layout tab, an error message is displayed. What do I do?

Hotsteps 2013

All my people in Chennai, if you're free on 18th evening, come off. :) Yours truly is performing too. For tickets, contact the number given on the poster.

 Hope you'll make it!

Why do I need to change, anyways?

“You’re still the same!”

“You haven’t changed one bit.”

“Tu kab sudharegi? Shaadi ho gayi hai. Ab tho sudhar ja!”

I get this a lot lately. A lot of my friends, family and acquaintances are rather surprised by the fact that marriage hasn’t changed me one bit. It’s as though they expected a new person would emerge out of that marriage hall, someone with a halo above her head. As though my personality would undergo a sea-change just because I’m tied to another person for life now. People, that beauty parlour that I went to for all my pre-wedding facial-scrubbing-waxing-what-not-ing was just to beautify my exterior. They were not offering any personality development/change services. Not that I would have taken it, even if they had.

So why is it such a surprise that I’m still the same old person who you’ve all known and loved and accepted for the past so many years? Forget the surprise. What kind of a change were you expecting in the first place? No no, this is not a rant. I’m just confused. I just want to have a better understanding of this. What did think would happen? That I would suddenly stop being loud and garrulous? That I would stop wearing jeans and skirts and would suddenly emerge wrapped in sari only? That I would stop making non-veg jokes? That I would keep a check on my sarcasm? That I will not start dancing in public places when I hear a catchy tune? That I would stop being a drama-queen? Dude, I’m married. I have SO much more scope for drama, now more than ever! And by some quirky twist of fate, I got married to a guy who not only tolerates all this drama, but actually encourages it! So in reality, it’s his fault. Really. He says he doesn’t feel the need for a TV because I provide all the entertainment that he requires- Dance, music, cinema, drama, sex, violence (Err.. I kinda like biting. Let’s just leave it at that, ok?), comedy. And all this in high quality sound and picture! Man, he should be paying me a monthly cable-bill, right?

But really, does marriage necessarily change a person? SHOULD it bring about any change? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. While my core personality hasn’t undergone a change (What? I’ve been like that for 26 years. I can’t just change overnight! Give me some time. Like, my whole lifetime), there have been a few alterations. Enhancements, if I can put it that way. The changes may not be visible to the outer world, but within you, you know some things are different. In some way or the other, marriage does change you. Like-

a)      I’m a much calmer person now. I used to short-tempered, losing my calm at the drop of a hat. I’m not so bad now. And it’s not because my husband has had a calming effect on me. It’s because HE tends to lose his calm at the drop of a hat. So I’ve learnt to hold mine. At least one of us needs to be calm, right?

b)      I’m better at confrontations now. I’m really trying my best to open up about a problem, instead of just bottling up everything and letting it fester. I’m more willing to talk about an issue and find a solution for it. And you know why? Because men JUST CANNOT TAKE THE HINT. They cannot understand what they’ve done to piss you off (alright, alright. It’s not their fault ALL the time). You HAVE to spell it out for them. They can crack the IIT entrance, they can be IIM graduates, they can go to the moon, they can be leaders of the country, they can be CEO’s, they can write books, they can cook, they can take the trash out-they can do anything and everything. Except understand women and how their mind works. Sad, but true. So it’s up to us women to make them understand. Because let’s face it, how long can you continue to sulk, expecting them to remember what they did to piss you off two days back? A good chunk of your life will go into this. So girls (married or unmarried), remember. You need to tell them what they did wrong. When they ask you “What did I do?”, they’re not being defensive. They genuinely don’t know. They honestly did not think what they did or said was so earth-shattering that you would sulk about it for two days. When you say “Nothing, I’m fine”, they actually believe it. So if you’re not fine, don’t say you are. You’re just going to lose a good few days over it. Trust me. SPELL. IT. OUT. FOR. THEM.

c)       You tend to stop thinking in terms of ‘I’, and start thinking in terms of “we”. We need to buy a dining table, we don’t want a TV. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s soon for me to tell.

d)      You do tend to become a bit more responsible. The decisions that you take, you tend to think it over many times, because it’s not just you alone anymore. Your decisions may affect the other person’s life too.

e)      You tend to start worrying if your period is even a day late. Actually, this has got nothing to do with being married. But the difference is that along with you, your husband also starts worrying. And you have someone who is bound by the law to put up with all your PMS-ing. Ha ha. Marriage is so cool, I tell you.

f)       You start checking out for furniture and home appliances as opposed to clothes and shoes. Or maybe it’s just us. :/

g)  People stop asking you "How're are you doing?", "How's life?" Instead, they completely forget about you and ask  "How is your husband?", "How's married life?" Pfft. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 

These are some of the things that I can think of right now. But essentially, as a person, I haven’t changed much. Like I told one of my friends, I never gave anyone any guarantee that I’ll ever change. Na- ah.

********

I just realised that I didn’t share even a single wedding pic with you guys. So here are some.

This was from the previous day's function, where I have to touch everyone's feet and take blessings and all.

And that's Acha, Amma and Chech. My support, my life, my everything.

And so we were pronounced Husband and Wife.

What? It was MY wedding reception. Obviously  I take centrestage. We did a li'l flash mob kinda thing. This was part of that. :)

Like I said, I haven't changed. At all.

Ok, go ahead. Tell me how pretty I looked. :p