What I needed was a mind-guard

In every person’s life, there comes a moment of epiphany- a moment where you realize that all what you’ve believed in, had faith in- the very basis of all that is shaken to the core.

For me, that moment came on Monday night, somewhere around 10:15 PM, when I saw a jet of water from a pipe ripping apart Salman Khan’s shirt in ‘Bodyguard’.

I’m yet to recover from that fiasco, so pardon me if I trail off in between.

The first time you use a story for a movie, you USE it. The second time you use it, for a remake in Tamil, you RE-USE it. The third time, it’s outright ABUSE. How else can you justify a movie like Bodyguard?



True, it has Sallu Bhai in it, which itself should be enough to make a hit. But unfortunately, for me, it’s not. I clapped and yay-ed when he appeared on screen the first time, I clapped and yay-ed when he beat up the villains, I clapped and yay-ed whenever he cracked a joke. And then I clapped and yay-ed that FINALLY the movie was over.

Ok, let’s be fair. Let’s see both sides of the coin.

The tolerable part
Salman Khan:- He has acted well, if not outstanding. His innocent-bordering-on-dumb Lovely Singh is endearing, and he’s been portrayed as not just an action figure, but also a romantic. That works. To an extent. After a point, watching him walk as though he’s got boils under his arms is a little tiresome, but still, it’s Sallu, so a little bit of pardon and all we can give no?


He has been styled well. But he has pretty much only one expression on his face all throughout, and even when he smiles, he looks like he’s in pain. And in his introductory song, where he does that step with his biceps, it seriously looks like he’s sniffing his underarms for body odour.

Kareena Kapoor looks beautiful. I’m considering selling my laptop and buying some of those kurtas and accessories she’s worn in the movie. Her acting is ok, but her looks make up for it. And I would love to know how you can wake up in the morning with every hair still in place.



The comedy is ok. It works in the first half. The fatso Tsunami Singh’s act is funny at first, but gets irritating as the plot progresses. His graffiti t-shirts are superb.

The kid. Very cute. And not too irritating, like most kids in films are.

The ‘WTF!!!’s.
The blatant advertising at every point, be it Sony Vaio or Blackberry, it’s just in your face all the time. Ugh!!


The story is quite weak. The villains’ reason for vengeance is quite weak, and Aditya Pancholi appearing with kajal in his eyes doesn’t help at all. Neither does it help that he sends a remote-controlled helicopter as a weapon. Seriously, dude?

The best friend suddenly changing her mind is baffling. Why?? Nowhere in the rest of the movie did she display feelings of any sort for him, then suddenly why? Even after the other bad guy had walked off, she still could’ve explained. Did Lovely Singh’s six-pack suddenly turn her on that she changed her mind? And Jesus!! Please stop throwing expensive mobile phones out of trains yaar!! Ever heard of something called a ‘switch off’ button??

Just because Kareena is wearing Kurtas all through the movie, they put one romantic song towards the end (Teri Meri) where she’s wearing bras (or was it a blouse? Who can tell…) and barely-there sarees and showing off her skin. I liked her traditional avatar much better.


Salman Khan digging the diary out of the kachra dabba on the railway station (they don’t show him actually digging it out, but it’s understood). Chi chi chi!!! And how on earth did he finish reading the diary, which explains the entire story of the movie, in two-three minutes?

I could’ve done so many better things with my 150 bucks. Sigh..

Oh and did you know, item numbers are these days known as ‘Friendly Appearance’? That’s how Katrina Kaif has been credited. Ya, right.

Even if you classify it as a masala entertainer, it fails to impress. Songs are ok, with the light-hearted “I love you” being my pick of the lot. There was really no need for “Desi Beats”, and “Teri Meri” has nothing extraordinary about it. The title track is good, hummable and dance-able.

I hope the director is not planning this in one more language. Dear god, I hope not. That’ll be rape.

The most interesting thing in the movie? Lovely’s mobile phone ringtone. I wonder where I can download it.

My score- 4/10.

What say you, people?

(Images courtesy Google)