August 29, 2013

The Truth About Sex

*The post is liberally peppered with the word "sex". So don't even go past this line if you're squeamish about it. I don't want to get any comments saying that you found this crass and gross*

Our primary source of knowledge about sex is more often than not from movies, books, television, etc. Right? We’ve all eagerly waited for our parents to go to bed so that we watch some “late night HBO-type fun” (those who have watched ‘The President is Coming’ will get this). Another source, of course, is porn. But that’s a whole different point of view.

We tend to form our opinions (not to mention expectations)about sex from whatever we see in all these movies and read about in Mills & Boons and Jackie Collins novels at a young impressionable age. That boys and girls form different opinions about it is another matter altogether.

I can’t speak for men, but as a woman, I have realised by now that we should simply not believe what we watch and read about sex. It might just lead to a whole lot of disappointment when you actually do start having sex. I won’t say I was disappointed, but it did bust a few popular notions. So here you go, a list of thing I feel popular culture tends to lie to you or build stereotypes in your mind about sex. All the virgins out there, take notes. All the non-virgins, help me out, ok?

1)      White bedsheets.
You know what I’m talking about, right? 90 percent of the sex scenes I have seen have couples wrapped tightly in pristine, pure white bedsheets, much like how you swaddle new born babies (apologies for that disturbing parallel). Here’s the truth. Nobody has sex wrapped in bedsheets, let alone white ones. Unless you want your limbs to get entangled in them at the most crucial moments. And the white sheets remind me of hospitals more than anything. Besides, the feel of skin on skin is so much better than the feel of bedsheet on bedsheet (that doesn’t even sound sexy)

2)      People have this notion, owing mainly to films, that sex is purely a nocturnal activity. My friends have stopped calling me past 11 at night now. Even if they call, they hang up quickly. Why? Because they don’t want to be the reason to delay any ‘activities’. Or if I don’t pick up the call, they just assume that it’s because I’m busy *nudge nudge wink wink*.
What makes you think I have sex only at night? Or that night is the only time I have sex? Sex needn’t always happen only at night. It can very well happen in the morning, afternoon, or evening. Or all of these times, if you’re up for it! Sure, it’s a lot more convenient at night, because you’re not in a hurry to get ready and rush to work. But you needn’t necessarily have the energy for it at night either, right? And believe me,  if you’re in the mood for it, it won't even matter what time of the day it is,.

3)      Movies and TV shows (Read- Sex and the city) show the woman having screaming orgasms during sex. Naturally, I was under the impression that orgasms are a given, that it’ll just happen. So imagine my consternation when I discovered that orgasms are not as easy as they show it to be. Oh not for the men, though. It’s pretty easy for them. But for the women..phew, is it a lot of work or what! I’m not saying it’ll never happen. But don’t count on having one every time. Don’t get hung up about it. Because the point of sex is not the orgasm. If you keep obsessing about reaching a climax, you’ll simply not enjoy the rest of the act. And it’s no fault of the man, really (well, sometimes it is). That’s just how the female anatomy is.

      But when the orgasms do happen? Yes, they’re every bit as amazing as they describe it in movies and books. That, alone, is not a myth. ;)

4)      You need not look like a hero or a supermodel to enjoy sex. The heroine in the movie has flat abs because she gets paid to look beautiful. But you have no such obligation. Trust me, the guy does not care if there’s a tyre around your tummy and the girl doesn’t care if you don’t have six pack abs. I personally feel, out of experience, that good-looking people, or people who think they are good-looking, are not all that great in bed. Those chiseled abs may help in turning you on, but when he’s just lying there on his back, as though he’s doing you a favour, expecting you to do all the work, it’s not much of a turn-on anymore.
So stop being conscious about your body.

5)      Ladies, it’s ok to enjoy sex, and be open about it. You don’t need to be so shy, batting eyelashes and blushing when a man touches you. I know it’s a deeply emotional thing for us, but it’s ok to let go. In fact, from what I’ve gathered, men like it when the woman is a lot more proactive. So shed those inhibitions and start enjoying sex. It’s not a sin. And don’t expect the man to do all the work. Not only is it unfair, it’ll also make sex boring.

6)      The girl is sitting on the bed, bedecked in bridal finery, waiting for her brand new husband to come into the room. He comes in, sits next to her, gently lifts her face, he says something corny, she blushes, and they fall to the side, scene blurs. The quintessential suhaag raat scene (for the south Indians, imagine the scene play out with the groom in mundu and the bride with a glass of milk in her hand).

When did the wedding day become all about the first night? What about the rest of the day? The fact that the boy and girl are entering a new phase in their lives? All of that loses importance in the face of the fact that they’ll be getting laid that night (for many them, it would be the first time). For the unmarried ones out there, it’s not mandatory that you have to have sex on your so-called first night! That’s bullshit! Think of it from a practical point of view. You’ll probably be up from about 4 am that day, standing on your feel all day, smiling at thousands of people. How in the world do you expect to enjoy sex when you’re so bloody tired?! Relax. It’s not mandatory. You don’t have to have sex if you’re not ready for it just to prove anything to anybody. Do  it when you’re in a more relaxed state of mind, after all the wedding madness has ebbed.
Of course, this is a completely personal choice. All I’m saying is, don’t get tensed about it. you have the rest of your lives to have sex. It’s ok if you don’t do it on the very first night. There are people who do it on the wedding night itself, and I really admire their patience. I, for one, got a wonderful foot massage on my wedding night. Right then, I knew I’d married the right guy.

Also, the chances of a woman getting pregnant after having sex just once are very less. Unless they're an incredibly fertile couple. 


7)      Stop associating sex with marriage. Period.

So what do you think? Am I being silly here?




21 comments:

  1. Brilliant piece. Take a bow for it@

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  2. This, my dear is why I want to call you my sister. I love you :D

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  3. This reminded me of the gyaan my sister shared with me after her wedding. This is actually exactly what she told me. And one more doubt if you would let me ask, is it over-rated? Never asked my sister.

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  4. hahahahaahahahahahahahaahahahaha !
    i.love.you
    this is one helluva brilliant post dei ! bloody brilliant :D
    every point is simply bang on. even i got a foor massage on my wedding night..but it concluded in a happy ending ;) :D we were amazed we were up for it..:D
    all said and done,marriage busts a lot of myths about sex. eventually you realize that more than actually having sex, just lying on the bed with your partner canoodling and talking randomness means so much more..:)
    thankyou for a racy..i mean sexy..i mean good read.Damn I am horny now :D:D:D
    Cheers !!

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  5. Wowieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

    I so love you for this. You have brought out all the myths associated with the mostly used activity of the world. White bedsheets, tell me about it. How on earth do you have sex with a bedsheet in between? That's like a giant condom :P

    Just like Aditi, I had a happy ending first night too :D. That was mostly because we had decided on no "action" after the engagement till the wedding. Right now, I don't know why did we decide that. Damn, it was so tough it had to all come out!!

    Sex during the night, you must be kidding me. Who has the strength for that? And why is sex associated only with the bedroom. There are other rooms people! Bathtub for instance :)

    And the good lookers point is spot on. Yes, me too by experience know that they suck in bed. And if I may add, the good-looking men have really tiny weenies too. Unfortunately while concentrating on their abs, they forgot something little below it!

    Sex associated with marriage? Try telling that to the 17 year old me ;)

    I so love this post that I can go on and on about it. But this comment is getting longer as the post. So I'd stop here.

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    Replies
    1. This comment made me laugh as much as the post itself. :D

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    2. Yeah, so maybe I'll skip my post I thought I'd right about the same topic.

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  6. nothing silly about it..what you said makes total sense. these are all well-engrained stereotypes of our society. In reality, sex occurs at ANY time of the day and in ANY room as well!
    And orgasm should really not be the endgame as you rightly stated.. its not a race or a competition. Especially in the beginning, as you get to know each others comfort zones and their likes and dislikes, its harder to expect orgasms to fly by so easily.

    And yes, we do like our women to be pro-active. Unlike rural mindsets which consider it a sign that the 'immoral girl knows stuff', a guy with actual brains and half a teaspoon of common sense would be happy to have a girl who takes part in the act whole heartedly than one who just lies there with a 'are we done yet' look on her face :D

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  7. Jeez, a foot rub after running around all fucking day...I'm considering making it a condition to the guy I marry! Chances are the act will freshen the two of us up for more :D
    And the point about orgasms being over-rated is something every woman needs to know. It's gonna take a while, ladies. No need to google the crap out of the issue and wonder if you'll ever have one.
    This one's for the guys...It's downright silly to expect things to go exactly like in porno movies. Those people are ACTORS. It's not always gonna be that 'animalistic'.
    More than anything else, sex is an act of getting to know each other's bodies. An exploration, if you will. If you remove all the stigma and 'hush-hush-ness' associated with it, it's the most enjoyable thing ever. Come on, our ancestors wrote a frikkin book on it!

    It takes some guts to pen a post like this. It certainly brought me out of my shell :). I enjoyed it, spaceman :D

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  8. I laughed my heart out. :-) :D

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  9. I just had a 'literaric' orgasm :p

    Brilliant ! And finally someone admits it's damn hard work!!

    I salute thee !

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  10. Really funny. I could relate with each and every point.

    No mention of fumbling with condoms? Why not? Am i the only one?

    Cheers
    CRD

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  11. Welcome back Spiff.

    Your post picked me up from a rather lousy day.

    Thank you for making me almost fall off my bed laughing :D

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  12. Agree to each and every point and nodding and finally taking a bow !

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  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  14. See, you were not lost at all (referring to your previous post). You just took some time to come up with a brilliant post. The message should get across. If it doesn't, gosh I don't even know.
    Take care woman!

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  15. Lol! I endorse all the above comments and some more...
    I really really love you for this one :D
    That sums it all up!
    I get these gyan-sessions from all my married friends these days...Or should I say the You-know-whats about it... It's hilarious and so comical at times, I tell you...

    Spiff, take a bow!

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  16. Hey Divya or Vidya,

    How should I call you? Firstly, this is going to be an insanely long comment so you can choose to ignore it and carry on with your work, actually not work but yes! Your Birthday and Birthday wishes. Who works on their birthday, anyways. I don't. And as we have zillions of things in common so I guess, the girl from South India would be also happily enjoying her birthday.

    Here comes the birthday wish first then later I would tell you how I landed here and why I am so keen to share this comment with you.

    Wishing you a very happy and awesome birthday, dear Divya. Hope you have a grand - grand day and awesome celebrations with of course, hubby dear.

    Here is how we are related:

    I am an avid blog reader and I guess, thats how I landed on your blog and in a week's time, I have read your full blog in a downward chronological order. I could relate with each and every word. Its like reading a story of my life minus the location of our respective cities. I am a Virgo, living in Gurgaon, working as a Corporate Communications Executive in a real estate company, very reputed. I am a mass communication post graduate, did it from Bangalore and thats how bangalore is related to me. I was born on Sept 17, 1986 so you are 5 days elder to me. anyways, enough about me. Why I want to contact you, is simply because, we have 100s of things in common and while reading and going through your blog, one thing I am sure of one thing, everything is going to be well awesome in the end.

    I have limited access to computer at my place. My parents reside at Panipat and I work in Gurgaon so all I could manage my reading is at office. So, you know, being neck deep in work, I still managed to read your full blog. There were times, I had the deepest laugh and cried like a baby after reading few of the instances, happenings in your life cause damn it! how our lives could be so much related. I am so sorry if you find any error while reading this, any grammatical error. But I am just jotting down my points cause I am accessing my colleague's computer to write this comment to you. I dont have a bloody access to comments on my computer. This company, I tell you. Arseholes. Anyways, he will be back soon.. so let me wind up my wishes and comment. Have a superb birthday and if you wish, mail me at richagoel17@gmail.com to discuss our lives at length. I am on the seventh heaven to have found my soul mate. not literally. silly! lolz! However, you can only check my genuity by sending me a mail or by connecting me through any medium. Mails are preferred.

    Hope you have a blissful and blessed day and yes, I am also a nagger who calls at least 10-15 times a day to someone just to wish them on their birthday. Have a good one!! Love, Richa

    P.S. - I dont write regularly on my blog cause of unavailability of lot of things, though I also carry a small diary where I write whatever comes to me anytime, any day. :)

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  17. I enjoyed this one completely! When the cream to tighten your vagina (I know! we could write a whole piece on that!) had come out with the tagline"just like the first time", a prof of mine had written about why anyone on earth would want that! It is clumsy and supra-awkward when you do it the first time!And anybody who has sex on their "first night" must be living 10 mins away from the mandal, and must have had a good nap before all the action or it must be their first time, in which case they should have so read this blog! ;)

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  18. Amazingly written, I must say...each and every word ringing true. Especially coming from a recently married person. I wish we had something like this to look up to during our time, but well, we managed. :P

    And Soumya, I'm still holding my tummy laughing at your 'giant condom' comment. ROTFL... :'D

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