The 10-day 'You' Challenge- Eight fears

1) That I’ll lose my memory.
I cannot imagine a life where I won’t remember my people, places and life. I’ve mentioned it previously here. And what scares me is that I’ve started becoming quite forgetful now, which some people are mistaking for indifference. Well, it’s not, let me assure you, since it runs in my family. :/

2) Dying alone.
Freaks me out when I think about it. When I board the flight to heaven (yes, that’s where I’m going. Laugh all you want), I want everyone around me, seeing me off. When I read about how Parveen Babi’s body was found in her apartment a few days after she died, I was shattered. What if I die when no one’s with me, and nobody comes to know till a few days later?

3) That I won’t be there for my family when they need me.
I never miss a call from home or my sister. I always pick up calls, unless I’m in the bathroom or sleeping, because there’s always a fear in me that something must’ve happened to them. If Amma calls me at an odd hour in the day, say in the evening, instead of her usual call at night, my heart will skip a beat that something is wrong with someone. Try as I might, I always assume the worst.

4) Losing my hair and going bald.
Let me give you the premise.
I used to have lovely straight silky hair (and I’m not the only one who says so :( )- not very long, just a little above my waist. I used to be very proud of it and would spend a lot of time preening in front of the mirror admiring and grooming it. All and sundry used to compliment my hair, and if someone didn’t notice it, I used to make sure they did. It was a happy time.
Until I came to Hyderabad. The chlorinated water, pollution and stupid step-cut have made my hair an embarrassment. Now, I’m afraid to even touch my hair casually, let alone comb it, because there’s more hair lying around in my house and in my hand than there is on my head. I hardly leave my hair out, because a hint of a breeze, and there it stands around my head like a halo (now you know why I said I’m going to heaven? The halo connection). I used to always say, on my wedding day, I won’t keep false hair, it’ll be my own hair reaching proudly till my bums.
The rate at which my hair is falling, I’ll be lucky if I have any hair at all left by then. Maybe I should get married right away, whilst there‘s still something up there.
Sigh..

5) That I’ll be a disappointment to the people I love.
I say ‘I don’t care’ a lot. But the truth is, I care too much sometimes. What others think of me, whether they like me or not, are they happy with me- it’s a constant niggling at the back of my head. If one of my friends talks a little differently to me, I will worry that I may have done or said something to piss them off. I always want to please, especially my dad. But of course, the problem with this is, if pushed beyond a point, I stop caring altogether.

6) Rats and snakes.
They send a shiver down my spine. Sometime in ’94 or ’95, when the plague had broken out, every single night, before going to bed, I used to shut all the doors and windows and curtains, for the fear that a rat might sneak in. And snakes.. I can’t stand watching them even on T.V. *shudder* What an irony that I love the Snake game on cellphones. :/

7) Lightning.
Petrified of it. Whenever lightning strikes, I imagine that I'll be its next victim.

8) That I’ll run out of things to write about.
That suddenly one day, my Muse will just pack up and leave me, without so much as a warning, never to return. Ayyo!!!

Now what did I forget? Hmmm…


The challenge so far- Ten secrets and Nine loves.