I'm a girl

I will haggle with the auto driver and vegetable vendor for 5 rupees, but will buy a kajal for 400 bucks.

I will stand in front of a wardrobe full of clothes for twenty minutes and sigh “I have nothing to wear”, and yet, I will refuse to give away any of those clothes.

If someone is ill, I will give them a medicine and tell them to cut the drama and to stop over-reacting, but will bring the universe down if I so much as sneeze.

I will mess up my room if I want, but if someone else walks in and moves even a speck of dust, I will attack.

When I get a craving to eat something, I will pester my friends till they take me to a restaurant, and once there, I will order something entirely different on the menu. And eat two bites and say I’m full.

I will criticize Aishwarya Rai’s nose and Priyanka Chopra’s lips, but will practice the Miss India gasp with a dupatta-made-into-a-sash and a cardboard tiara with Turmeric-and-cream face-pack all over my face in the confines of my room.

Oh that movie that won all those awards? So zzzzzzzzzzz… But I will imagine my hairbrush to be a mike and my Barbie doll to be the statuette and give the thank you speech for that very movie in front of the mirror.

I have no idea who won the Battle of Waterloo or how many years the second world war was fought. But I will know which star couple is getting divorced and that Gerard Butler was yummy in 300.

I will claim to be modern, but If I see a black cat crossing my path,I will freeze and worry about what will go wrong that day. I will also notice that it was a very dirty cat.

If a tramp at the bus-stop letches at me, I will feel violated. If a good-looking guy doesn’t give me a second glance, I will feel offended.

If there are two eggs and a packet of Maggi at home, a typical debate between Me and Myself about what I should have for breakfast on a Sunday morning would go like this- “Hmmm, there are two eggs and a pack of Maggi. What should I have for breakfast? Or should I just skip breakfast altogether and have lunch in a while since it’s already 11. But I’m hungry now, so I guess I will have something to eat now. So should I have the eggs or maggi? If I have eggs now, what’ll I do for lunch, there are no other vegetables at home. Then maybe I’ll have maggi for lunch and eggs now. So how should I have the eggs? Scrambled? Omlette? Poached? Boiled? Scrambled will be nice, but I have no onions at home. So I guess I can’t make omlette either. So then I’ll have poached. But I had poached egg last night also and I’m a little sick of it. Maybe I’ll have Maggi now. But then again, what will I have for lunch?” By which time, it’ll be lunchtime anyway.

High heels are sexy. So what if I have a twisted ankle and have to lie flat on my back because of a bad back for the next five days.

I will talk endlessly and not give anyone peace of mind. But when there is an argument and it is important to communicate and sort things out, I will give them the silent treatment.

I will say ‘I’m fine’ when that’s the last thing I obviously am.

I will say ‘Nothing’ when there is quite clearly something wrong.

If somebody asks me what’s wrong, I will talk about the billboard on the road, the 2g scam, Sonu Sood’s biceps, my grandmother’s fish curry, my neighbour’s kid’s new plastic ship. I will talk about everything but what is wrong.

I will forgive. Not forget.

I will tolerate the first time, the second time, the fifth time, the hundredth time. The 101st time, you’re out of my life.

When I say, “If you don’t know what you did wrong, then I’m not going to tell you”, chances are, even I don’t know what you did wrong.

I may not remember who I went to school with for 12 years, but that cute guy who I had a crush on who lived in the building next to my cousin’s who I visited during the summer holidays all those years ago? I will remember even a mole on his cheek.

If I’m depressed, I will not try to kill myself or get drunk. I will go get a haircut. It’s as simple as that.

If I’m angry with you, I will not even look at your face. Even if you’re a Greek God here on earth for an internship.

I will not remember the lessons I learnt in school, but I will know by rote the lyrics of obscure Hindi songs that no one has even heard of.

Organic chemistry and physics seems ridiculous, but Bollywood movies and crappy reality TV will totally make sense to me.

I may fall in love in an instant, but will take an hour and many choices to decide what I want to have for dinner.

I may lash out at a guy for not wanting to settle down and being commitment-phobic even after years of dating, but if a guy comes along who is very sweet and proposes marriage after a month of dating, I will think there’s something wrong with him and try to shake him off.

If I want to be left alone, I will make sure I take my space. But if a guy does the same, I will think that he doesn’t love me anymore.

I will spell Czechoslovakia in 10 seconds. But it'll take you a lifetime to get a sorry out of me.

If a girl is reserved, she’s mysterious and intelligent. If a guy is reserved, he’s spaced out and a whacko who’s probably a closet rapist.

I will retch after drinking a spoon of cough syrup, but vodka and wine will be next to nectar.

I will generalize.

I’m a girl.

Don’t try to figure my species out.